I came to the conclusion this afternoon, after waking up from a very sleepy drug induced hangover, that I can fight this mental illness and I can survive it. Last night I became very close to the edge and had given up on all love and hope and was numb to feeling anything but pain. In my troubled mental capacity I was unable to think of anyone else or even care. All I cared about was stopping the overwhelming feeling of pain that was submerging my whole body. I could have chosen life, but with no strength left in my body or mind I instead reached for a cocktail of medication. I poured myself a large drink and sat back and let the feeling or something besides pain soak over me. I had escaped the pain and was able to not think or care about anything else.
Much after is a blur, but I know I was taken into A&E by the police and paramedics and immediately but on drip and I fell asleep. When morning came and I woke up in an unfamiliar ward, needle in my arms, ECG wires on my chest and still wearing my clothes from last night I felt so scared. and immediately tried to dissociate. I had no memory of what had happened to me and I felt sick, exhausted, disoriented and my stomach hurt. The overwhelming feelings of guilt crept in and I cried for everyone I knew I would have hurt. In the darkest of times I decided to not fight and I decided to give in to the evil negative thought. The thoughts of if I would have been successful, how much damaged I would have caused to my family made me feel so ashamed of my actions. As naive as it sounds when I took all those pills I knew it might kill me, but I didn’t see how that would impact my family.
I was told today by someone from the crisis team that the worse possible thing for me is to be sectioned as I have borderline personality disorder. He told me I was already living on a knife-edge and my emotions were not strong enough to go into one of those places. I went home this afternoon and slept some more and got to see my children again. See there faces broke my heart knowing how I had nearly betrayed them and taken away their mother. As Miss J would say when upset with me ‘I had broke our love’.
I don’t want my children to grow up without me, I don’t want them to blame themselves for my selfish actions. I want my children to be shown love and affection which I know I am capable of. I will fight this every single day, accept any therapy. This will not beat me, I can fight it. You have got to reach rock bottom, before you can get back up and yesterday was my rock bottom. I have so much more to give and so much more fight left in me. I will not be beaten.