I can fight mental illness

I can fight my mental illness

I came to the conclusion this afternoon, after waking up from a very sleepy drug induced hangover, that I can fight this mental illness and I can survive it. Last night I became very close to the edge and had given up on all love and hope and was numb to feeling anything but pain. In my troubled mental capacity I was unable to think of anyone else or even care.  All I cared about was stopping the overwhelming feeling of pain that was submerging my whole body. I could have chosen life, but with no strength left in my body or mind I instead reached for a cocktail of medication. I poured myself a large drink and sat back and let the feeling or something besides pain soak over me. I had escaped the pain and was able to not think or care about anything else.

I can fight mental illness

Much after is a blur, but I know I was taken into A&E by the police and paramedics and immediately but on drip and I fell asleep. When morning came and I woke up in an unfamiliar ward, needle in my arms, ECG wires on my chest and still wearing my clothes from last night I felt so scared. and immediately tried to dissociate. I had no memory of what had happened to me and I felt sick, exhausted, disoriented and my stomach hurt. The overwhelming feelings of guilt crept in and I cried for everyone I knew I would have hurt. In the darkest of times I decided to not fight and I decided to give in to the evil negative thought. The thoughts of if I would have been successful, how much damaged I would have caused to my family made me feel so ashamed of my actions. As naive as it sounds when I took all those pills I knew it might kill me, but I didn’t see how that would impact my family.

I was told today by someone from the crisis team that the worse possible thing for me is to be sectioned as I have borderline personality disorder. He told me I was already living on a knife-edge and my emotions were not strong enough to go into one of those places. I went home this afternoon and slept some more and got to see my children again. See there faces broke my heart knowing how I had nearly betrayed them and taken away their mother. As Miss J would say when upset with me ‘I had broke our love’.

I don’t want my children to grow up without me, I don’t want them to blame themselves for my selfish actions. I want my children to be shown love and affection which I know I am capable of. I will fight this every single day, accept any therapy. This will not beat me, I can fight it. You have got to reach rock bottom, before you can get back up and yesterday was my rock bottom. I have so much more to give and so much more fight left in me. I will not be beaten.


10 thoughts to “I can fight my mental illness”

  1. Oh hun, I’m so sorry. I too have postnatal depression and I know just how you feel. Overcoming those disturbing thoughts is so tough, it truly is hard to see past them and break through them. I get you 200%

    I’ve suffered following both pregnancies. My first I somehow managed to hide from everyone and suffered in silence, this time I knew I was in trouble and had to reach out for help. That was the best thing I ever did.

    I’m on medication too and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Like you, I will do anything to be happy for my children, they deserve that and so do I. So do you!

    Please don’t beat yourself up, you are clearly in a bad place and accepting help will see you better, I promise. Always happy to talk xx
    Lisa – The Love of a Captain blog recently posted…Date Night Ideas to enjoy at HomeMy Profile

  2. Oh my goodness, what a difficult time you are going through – thank you so much for sharing it in a post. It is so powerful to read how you are feeling, and although I have never been in such a dark place as you, I have been in dark places and it is always so helpful to know that you aren’t alone! Thanks so much for joining us #fortheloveofBLOG
    Cherry – The Newby Tribe recently posted…Spicy Cypriot SpudsMy Profile

  3. So sorry to hear of your very tough time try to stay strong thinking of you a wonderful honest post written beautifully Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please

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