Today has been one of those days. I have struggled from the moment I got up this morning with my anxiety and depression. I have felt fragile, like I could break any second. I have been questioning myself as a mother, questioning how much I actually love my children. Do they deserve better? Am I just hopeless? Do I not deserve joy and happiness?
Postnatal depression has reared its ugly head and has tried to crumble any kind of confidence I had gained, self-esteem, self-worth and has tried to plague me full of self-doubt, negative thoughts and guilt. I let it come in gradually and started to believe again what a terrible mother I am and how my children deserve better. I hate feeling like this and always having to battle every single day for my happiness or lack of it. I don’t want to be this person and I don’t want it to consume me and have control over me.
I forced myself like I do every day to go through my blog posts comments and started to feel an ounce of happiness again. For someone to say my writing resonates with them or it has helped them feels amazing and is a huge boost to my confidence. I’ve got to keep going and keep on writing as it really does help me so much.
As I was finishing replying to my last comment Mr T awoke and started to cry, so I went straight into his room and picked him up out of his cot and settled into the nursing chair. I could smell the smell of his warm dribble and stroked his messy hair, whilst I let him have his milkies. As he lay in my arms, latched on to me, eyes rolling back, I felt at peace, I felt like I had a purpose, I knew this is where I should be and what I am worth.
The fact that I have two beautiful children that love me unconditionally is amazing and my biggest weapon in fighting this horrible thing. These two people hang on to my every word, they cry for me, they want my cuddles, my kisses and my bedtime stories. I am everything to them as well and they are everything to me. I have a family who loves together, plays together and cries together.
I love unconditionally. I am unconditionally loved.
It’s beautiful to hear such positive words. It is so hard to read the stories about postnatal depression and the way this illness affects you, is just heartbreaking. So, your post is uplifting, positive, it brings hope to those who suffer the same as you. Thank you for sharing!
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Thank you so much for such a lovely comment. Each day is a new day and i’ll take them as they come.
Such a brave thing to write about, thank you. You sound like you have a great attitude to life. Positive thinking lady! Thanks for linking up to That Friday Linky #ThatFridayLinky
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Thank you lovely. I working on being positive x
Such a lovely, brave thing to talk about. You are not alone. Your babies will get you through. Like you said, smelling his head, holding him, feeding him… focus on that. You got this mumma! Proud to see you know where you are at. Keep working hard. x
Thank you for such a lovely comment, that really means so much to me. We are making progress, which however small is still huge. x
A wonderful honest emotional post stay strong Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please
Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Postnatal depression is awful. Hope things improve soon. x #fortheloveofBLOG
You should be really proud of yourself for being open and honest and not pretending that everything is okay. It’s really great that you are able to see that your children love you and that really is the main thing 🙂 #ThatFridayLinky
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That is so true. When I have dark times as cheesy as it may sound I think of my babies and they give me that reason, the reason to smile, to keep going, to try and beat the dark cloud – like you they are my biggest inspiration. Thanks for sharing st #familyfun x
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Unconditional love is just the best! It certainly helps knowing I’m there for him. Lovely post! Thanks for linking up to #familyfun
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