Returning back to being mum

Returning back to being mum

For the last few days I have been away with my mum and sister for a girls holiday, we’ve had no children and no men to deal with and this break has been just about us relaxing and enjoying each others company. A few weeks ago I was in a very dark place mentally and had hit rock bottom and me and my family have done everything possible to try to build me back up and also get the help I need so I don’t ever get to that place again. To say that it has been challenging is an understatement, it has taken lots of courage, strength and determination to get myself back and this holiday has been everything I have needed to help with this process.

I lost my identity with becoming a mum, I by no means didn’t enjoy becoming a mum, I actually loved it, but I found it challenging to be anything but mum. My life was whole heartily focused on my children and I felt tremendous guilt at the thought of putting my needs first. I found it so hard trying to identify being a mum and also a wife, also a worker and also the person I was before mum. I forgot that I had needs too and that I still deserved to fulfill my ambitions, dreams and goals as I had before my children. I know I am not the only one who feels this way after becoming a mum, but for some reason men don’t seem to feel this guilt and I wish I could switch it off too, but then I wouldn’t be the mother I am today.

Being a mother has defined my identity over the last five years and since my diagnosis of postpartum depression 18 months ago, again I have found that has defined me. With the recent diagnosis of borderline personality disorder I am very much aware that this could to define me again as a person. All these things are very much a part of me and something I am not ashamed of, but I need to learn to be me again whilst including these parts and letting them work for me by becoming a better person.

I have focused my attention on myself recently and have been making positive steps to heal, I am taking time for myself, putting my needs first and being mindful. Mindfulness is something I am still fairly new to, but I wish I had tried it years ago as it really is the answer to finding peace in a hectic world. I am setting goals for myself which are achievable to focus me and keep me motivated. I am being kind to myself and reminding myself every step of the way of the progress I have already achieved. I am learning to not let negative feelings linger, to question them and disprove them, I am working constantly to be a happier and better person and I know I am achieving that just by knowing I needed to change and putting the effort in to do so.

I am stronger than I ever thought I was and I know I’m a pretty good role model to my children. I am showing them to never be ashamed of who you are and that you can work to be the best possible version of you. I’m teaching them patience, kindness, love and imagination and I think that makes me a pretty good mum. I know I’m not perfect and I’m sure I never will be, but I have fought hard to get to where I am today and will continue to fight every step of the way to be my best possible self. I am ready to return back to being mum.

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20 thoughts on “Returning back to being mum

  1. It is so hard to carve out your changed identity after becoming a mum, and even harder when you’re hit by depression. It sounds like you are doing a great job looking after yourself and your children. Thanks for joining #eatsleepblogrt. Hope you can come back next week.

  2. Babies kind of take over and it’s easy to feel a bit lost. Even more so when you’re hit by depression. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of looking after yourself and your loved ones. Good luck! #globalblogging

  3. This resonates SO much with me. I had post natal depression and I feel like I lost 15 months of my life. I lost my identity and no longer recognised myself. Well done for writing this, it will help so many. Thanks for sharing with #globalblogging
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  4. I’ve only been a Mom for almost 21 months and I know what you mean about suddenly ONLY being a mommy. I love being a mommy (and I will be again a couple weeks!) and I guess I’m just lucky that I was (apparently) a blank slate before I had Doll! I don’t worry about who I am outside of being a mom and I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself in any way. I must’ve been a pretty boring person before; at least now I can talk about poop!

    1. I’m sure you weren’t boring before children. Children has been my making in some ways, but I do miss my life before. Good luck with the new arrival x

  5. You have done such a fantastic job at coming out form that dark place. Following your story, it is evident that you are working so hard at finding peace. I applaud you for that! I also hope you had a FANTASTIC girls only holiday and enjoyed the time out!! Wishing you everything that is good! x #globalblogging

  6. I can really relate to this, I suffered really badly after the birth of my first child and put off having a second child as I worried I would fall into PND again – or that I wouldn’t, and it would mean I love one child more. It’s such a minefield to be a paren anyway, but it sounds like you’re on the right track now xx #MarvMondays

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