To love someone with postnatal depression must be incredibly hard and exhausting at times and requires so much patience. My darling husband has really been my rock especially over the last 18 months and has been a constant cheerleader to me. He has seen me at my worse, he has seen me broken, he has seen me hate myself and has still been able to love me. I have screamed at him, taken out my frustrations on him, blamed him and cried on him and yet he still tells me he loves me. My postnatal depression has probably directly effected my husband the most as with my children I have hidden emotions and shielded them as much as I can. My darling husband has seen it all and seen me broken and I need to thank him for what he has done for me.
We met when I was 20 years old on a night out in a local pub and I’ve always said if it wasn’t for texting our relationship would never have taken off. My husband is not one with his words and is a listener not a talker, but his kind eyes and warm hugs have always made me feel safe and secure. We were young, carefree and spent most of our time in each others arms not caring about what was going on in the outside world, we had fallen in love deeply and my world was now centred around you. I’ve always wanted children and it was clear from early on in our relationship that my husband wanted this too and I knew he would make a brilliant father and husband. After three and a half years of dating me tied the knot in my local church and I was living the fairytale I had always dreamed of. Six weeks after our wedding I found out I was pregnant with our first child and I honestly couldn’t have been happier if I tried. We decide two years later to add to our family and Mr T made his appearance quickly after. Things weren’t the same this time though. I felt sad, tearful, anxious, depressed and lonely. I was unable to connect with you and I was pushing you away and I felt like I hated you for leaving me for work all day on my own. My life had been changed and put on hold and I felt you could escape this shit storm and still have your own life. I didn’t know how much I was hurting you and when at work all you did was worry about me.
My body had been ruined, my confidence and self-esteem had been shattered, but you still found the time to tell me I was beautiful and that you loved me. You would remind me that I was a good mother, even though I didn’t believe it myself and was consumed with guilt of not matching up to this perfect mother I had built up in my own head. Every night before bed you still cuddled me even though I edged away from you, you were patient, not angry or frustrated with me when you had every right to me. You have understood that I have been unwell and have been able to still love me, which makes you an incredible and kind human.
I owe you my life as without you I’m not sure how I would have survived this. I owe you my sanity when at times it has been sketchy, but you have reassured me that I am still me underneath it all. No one has every loved me the way you do and I promise you that no one else will either. Five years ago when you made me your wife and we said our vows I meant them, but today I know we both truly know what they mean and that we will never break them. I love you from the bottom of my heart and will forever keep fighting for us and our children.
‘I, Michelle, take you, Tony
to be my husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part,
according to God’s holy law.
In the presence of God I make this vow. 13/08/2011