The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

I have grown up always feeling like the little girl lost. I sometimes wonder if it’s through the way I’ve grown up, my personality or is it because of my borderline personality disorder. I spent my teenage years constantly trying to fit in and be some body I wasn’t, which I think is normal, even if it doesn’t feel it at the time, but as an adult I thought one day I would wake up and know what I was supposed to do. All minds are complex as our emotions, but my own mind I have struggled to understand and my emotions have always be chaotic and sometimes just unpredictable. Some days I have woken up not knowing what personality I will be that day.

I have bobed along for so long and done what I thought was expected of me. I have been happy, sad, excited and suicidal. I have loved life and hated life. I have had my heart-broken and I have loved with all my soul. I have understood the meaning of unconditional love and felt the pain of losing someone too young. I have lived, sometimes just surviving and I have been so lost of who I really am. Any dream I had ever imagined had always been crushed and I eventually learnt it was best not to dream.

I have always been good at seeing both sides of the story and can empathise with people whole heartedly. But at times I still feel like I should just follow the path that’s expected of me and not push past into the unknown. Since Mr T was born and having postnatal depression it has made me see my life in a new light. Going through hell and back I have questioned many things about life, my beliefs, my values and have worked hard at self-improvement. I don’t want to be the person I was programmed to me and want to be able to give more and get more out of life.

I am blessed to have met a husband who understands me and accepts me for all my flaws. He makes me stronger as I make him stronger, we are so different, but have the same ideas about life. He has opened my eyes and made me see things through a different perspective. He is the only man in my life who I have complete respect for as I know he has always had my best interests at heart.

Growing up I feel I haven’t been able to channel my energy well which left me as a teenager rebelling badly. I wasn’t just a naughty teenager I was off the rails for a few years. Into my adult life I continued to be reckless and often put myself in dangerous situations. I was just lost in life and didn’t know what to do with myself or what I wanted out of it. I was always desperate for a family, but besides that I had never looked at what would happen after that.

Getting pregnant with Miss J was the moment it all changed for me. I had always wanted the family life, the husband, the house, the children and the cat. I got it, I had what I had always wanted, but with the birth of my second and my tendency to self-sabotage anything that goes well, things started to become testing and I lost myself for a while. Postnatal-depression made me reevaluate my life and eventually figure out who I needed to become.

Mr T is almost 2 years old and I have now learnt how to be the mother of two children, have a work/life balance and let go of the expectations of me. I have learned to appreciate my children, not stress about the small stuff and to always have a dream. My dreams and goals may have changed a little over the years, but they still involve the same people and I am now certain that I can make these dreams come true.

I was lost for so long and now I am found. My story has many chapters left and I dream endlessly about the outcome. Postnatal depression sent me to hell and back, almost killed me, but it also woke me up to life, taught me to appreciate how precious every moment is and how we should not just exist and waste time. Everyday is a new day to grow and learn and I am thankful for that, I am thankful for life.

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19 thoughts on “The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

  1. postnatal depression is much more common now. So many Moms have it. Even I had a some kind of depression but my husband saw it and we was talking about it and it helped me. I’m happy to read that you are OK now:) thanks for linking up to #globalblogging
    ohmummymia recently posted…We are Piccalilly Ambassadors !My Profile

  2. I’ve been following your journey which doesnt sound like its been an easy one, but the most important thing is what you’ve learnt, where you are now and where you want to go. I’m so glad that you’ve come out of the other side stronger and with a great appreciation and happiness for what you have. Thank you for sharing your story and for sharing it on #MarvMondays. Emily

  3. Thanks for bringing such an important topic to the surface, there’s so many people feeling exactly the same and it never gets talk about enough, even today. You are brave, you are strong and isn’t it just so that when you’ve been in a storm you appreciate the sunshine that bit more! #globalblogging

  4. Thank you so much for telling your story. I relate to how you felt growing up and rather than rebelling outward I turned it on myself. I’ve always been quite critical of myself and had a complete breakdown in 2016. Yeah, the dark dark place at rock bottom that I know you will know.
    I’m glad to hear that you’ve started to dream. I’m still healing my but am one step closer to believing that it’s ok to dream (and to change ones mind/finally find it!).
    I worry about postnatal depression. Think it might be worth securing a safety net soon to help divert it rather than wait for it to grab me and pull me down.
    Best wishes for your time in the light.
    #dreamteam

  5. Sounds like you have been through a lot but have come out much stronger for it. Hope the positivity continues and don’t stop dreaming! 😉 Thanks for linking up #globalblogging

  6. I love that you share so openly an honestly! I also LOVED seeing that gorgeous photo of your family on Instagram. Finding our forever person who just gets us and helps guide us to be our best is truly a blessing! It’s so awesome that we get to dream out our future chapters… It’s exciting… Filled with new adventures! Clinking a glass alongside you to healing and happiness! #globalblogging

  7. I’m glad you feel like you’ve found yourself a bit. You sound like you’re very hard on yourself when you’ve been through so much. Give yourself some love and be proud of who you are and your journey to get here 🙂 Thank you so much for linking this up with #DreamTeam 🙂
    Mrs Lighty recently posted…I Worried…My Profile

  8. What a journey you’ve been on, but sound like you’re stronger for it. It must be hard to write about but your honesty and openness raises awareness of PND which so many others suffer from too, and suffer in silence. Talking about these issues can only help and will reach out to others so they don’t feel so alone, as it’s such a lonely place to be #stayclassymama

  9. That last paragraph is beautiful and your baby boy is just gorgeous. Your battles must have been so tough at times but you’re incredibly strong for coming through it. As always I wish you the very best on your ongoing journey. Thanks for joining us at #familyfun
    Tammymum recently posted…#FamilyFun…Week 28My Profile

  10. You have certainly been through a lot but I’m really glad you have have found yourself again and have found a new way of dealing with and living your life. Thank you for sharing your journey and story with us at #StayClassyMama

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