I have failed to succeed at a few things over my years and always had feelings of inadequacy. I’ve never felt quiet good enough at anything I had done, whether it was sport, education and then later on my work. Something I always thought I would succeed at was being a mother and when I got postnatal depression I was very self-critical and hard on myself as I saw myself as a complete failure with something I was so determined to be good at. It has been a long road, but eventually I realised that those feelings were making the postnatal depression worse by giving it ammunition.
At school I was always too scared to say when I didn’t understand something and wouldn’t raise my hand for help. I went through school doing the minimum to get by and felt a bit lost. I always felt I was living in the shadow of my older sister, she was intelligent, everything seemed to come natural to her and I felt my parents did forget the younger, not so intelligent child at times. I know this wasn’t on purpose and something they may have never noticed, but it’s how I always felt. I left school with average GCSE grades and decided to embark on a Holistic Therapies course after I was told A-levels were not the right fit for me. I did a year of Holistic Therapies, but knew it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue as a career and once I lacked motivation, I quickly started to fall behind on the work. I decided my next step was to go into full-time work in an office and although I liked the people I worked with and having a wage, I didn’t enjoy the job and found it rather dull. 18 months in I had a change of heart and decided that I was to go back to college to do an access course to university. Going from a full-time wage to a part-time waitress wage was a struggle and I found that the easy option was to throw it all in and admit defeat when I was only three months into the course.
After a few full time jobs in various different roles and a trip to Australia, I finally found something I enjoyed and almost 8 years on and two children I am still working there today. I now work for a food gifting company in the Technical department and have a very varied job. I’ve been able to complete some great courses and the team I work with are brilliant. However much I do enjoy my job (for the most part) I still felt like I was missing something and needed a creative outlet.
I still felt like I needed somewhere to express myself and do something for me so I started blogging to help me through my battle with postnatal depression. I didn’t realise at the time that I found something I had missed for many years, which was writing. I had always been passionate about writing at school, but when I would hand in a piece of work to a teacher I would have it returned covered in red pen, full with spelling mistakes and grammar issues. I’m still struggling with both of these things, but it is something I am focusing getting better at.
Blogging has given me time to do something for myself again and an outlet. I have received praise, done guest posts for other fantastic bloggers and have some exciting opportunities lined up, that will be challenging and exciting for me and something that I would have never had the confidence to do six months ago. I am no longer scared to succeed and I am happy to except what I deserve. My work is by no means fantastic, but it is honest and I have put my heart and so many hours into it. It has been a labour of love.
I am taking risks in my life and putting myself out there and hopefully it will pay off. I will not let being afraid stop me having the chance to succeed at something I enjoy. I will not let the fear stop me from achieving my goals and if I fall or if it doesn’t work at least I can say I tried.