Returning to work

Returning to work and why it was the best decision for me and my family. 

I had 13 months of maternity leave with Mr T including my holiday, which I was incredibly lucky to have. My husband worked extra to make sure I didn’t have to go back to work when my PND was at its worse, which I am eternally grateful for, but unfortunately I had to make the choice when my son was one to either return to work or get signed off work.

We had no option for me to be a stay at home mum and for the most part I do really enjoy my work, but the thought of going back whilst still suffering with PND scared me. It was still touch and go with my recovery with more good days than bad, but I was scared how it could rock the boat and if it would put me in a downward spiral.

In the end I decided to at least give it a go and if it got too much then I could always see my GP. I wasn’t convinced, but I told myself it might actually be a good thing for my recovery.

I was honest with my employers about my PND and they were incredibly supportive. It was rocky at the start especially with a change in my medication and feeling close to a complete breakdown for a week but now I’m on the right medication and we’ve got into a routine, I’m enjoying it more than ever.

I love being able to drink a hot cup of tea, chat with adults about something besides kids and not having to be a mum for the day, which then makes me appreciate my two days off in the week with my children. Routine has been key to my recovery and now I’ve been back at work for four months I’m feeling the best I’ve felt for a long time.

I definitely lost my identity being at home on maternity leave and was convinced I would be rubbish at my work when I went back, but I was surprised how quickly I got back into it and what a confidence boost it has been. I no longer feel guilty as I know this makes me a better mother.

I know it’s not for everyone but for me it works. I’ve got so much respect for stay at home mums and I’m not sure how you do it. My lunchbreak is over so I better get back to it.

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Activities my kids love and I hate

Activities my kids love and I hate:

  1. Play dough! I hate the stuff as either Mr T is eating it or Miss J is rubbing into my carpets and sofas. I’ve tried desperately to only use a couple of colours at a time but they all eventually become one khaki brown.  I’m not sure I’ve met an adult who actually likes the stuff.
  2. Painting. I always dreamed of the day I had kids and we could paint together but in reality it is messy and every bit of work turns khaki brown with all the mixed up colours.
  3. Stamps. I thought one day it would be a good idea to get ink stamps, envelopes and make a post box. It wasn’t a good idea as every surface in my house was stamped.
  4. Stickers. Again I thought stickers would be a good idea but I haven’t enjoyed scrapping off the stickers on our kitchen floor and I don’t think Miss J’s brother appreciated being covered in them.
  5. Mr Frosty! As a child I had a Mr Frosty which I loved so when I saw the original retro one was back on sale it got added straight into my amazon basket. In reality I forgot how hard it was to crush the ice as I had made my poor mother do it for me. Miss J on the other hand loves it.
  6. Wendy House. It takes me roughly 15-20 minuets to build the Wendy house and around 10 minuets for my kids to get bored of it again. After all the effort of putting it up I then feel I have to keep it up in my cramped living room and throw all the toys in there at the end of the day.
  7. Hungry hippos. Hands down the shittiest game of them all but my daughter insists on playing it over and over again and has a full on breakdown if I accidentally get the yellow ball. I also spend a lot of the time from stopping Mr T eating them.
  8. Barbies. This is one of those things having a girl made me really excited about. I love my Barbies growing up and had actually kept some of my old bits. Miss J on the other hand insists they are all naked and their hair is all matted after trips into the bath. The Barbie house is actually more of a shit tip than my actual house is which I guess is comforting.
  9. Lego. We have just entered the age of Lego in our house which means we have a fair amount of  parent swear woods (fudge sticks, mudder ducker etc) as we stand on them. Again I have spent many a hour constructing these for Miss J for her to destruct them immediately. Don’t get me started on Mr T eating them.
  10. Soft play centres. I really enjoyed going to the baby bits when they just rolled around and were confined enough for me to sit and have a cup of tea, then one day they learnt to climb, then get out, then crawl to the big bit and then crawl up the slide. Now Mr T is 16 months and just walking, I spend my whole time acting like I’m doing a course on Ninja Warrior whilst he runs about not giving a shit of what dangers crawling up a slide may encounter.

Last of all I just wanted to say that I never knew how much of a control freak I was until I became a parent. Those rare moments when they are entertained and independently playing I fill with pride at just how cute they really are.

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11 Things I never imagined I would do as a mum.

11 Things I never imagined I would so as a mum

1. Shave my legs whilst sharing a bath with two other little people.

2. Milked myself whilst drunk on a night out to release the discomfort of engorged boobs.

3. Got a free drink by having giant engorged boobs on a night out.

4. Wiped shit off a toddlers bum whilst on the phone to the bank.

5. Put on a full face of make up in the dark so I didn’t wake the co-sleeping baby.

6. Used a breastpad as a bandage for child’s bloodied knee.

7. Used a breastpad as a sanitary pad before getting a chance to go to the shop.

8. Used lanolin cream as a lip balm.

9. Walked around shopping with one boob still out my top.

10. Wiped sick off a baby with my own clothes.

11. Had to dig cat shit out of my boys hand after he went for a rummage in the cat litter tray.

It’s all glamour in my house. Anyone else have any good ones?

Mums on tour a rare night out

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The exhaustion of PND, anxiety and antidepressants.

The first steps of getting help

I feel exhausted and unmotivated every single day and have to force myself out of bed. Initially it was the PND and anxiety which were exhausting and not letting me sleep, now I think it’s the antidepressants and it really pisses me off. I hate waking every morning with a foggy, almost hungover state of mind and it doesn’t matter how much sleep I do get I still feel like this everyday. I’ve never been one of those types that springs out of bed at 6am and ready to go but I really wish I could wake up and at least get going in the morning without the battle. Most of my days off I struggle to get out my pj’s and out the house by 11am, but now with Miss J’s at school I’ll be forced to get up and I’m hoping this will change. I definitely one of these people (at least on the antidepressants) that need to be forced into doing things otherwise I’ll sit around all day doing nothing which does nothing for my low mood.

I’m hoping this blog will be a step in the right direction to give me confidence by being able to see that I can carry on with something I enjoy with out the self critical and negative thoughts keeping me locked away in my own form of hell.

This week so far has been more positive than negative which has really given my wellbeing a boost that it needed and it’s also taught me that I can actually do something for just me rather than just being a mummy, wife and housekeeper. I feel for the first time in a long time that I’ve got this!

 

 

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