My daughter Jasmine is now five and has blossomed from a pre-schooler to a very confident, extremely sassy five year old and I’m a little jealous of how she carries herself, I want to be a bit more like her, but I feel like a hypocrite.
Jasmine as a baby and toddler was super clingy and would scream when I left her to go to work and would hate it if daddy had to put her to bed instead of mummy. She was my shadow and I got used to having my velcro child by my side. When her brother came along when she was three she took it hard and struggled to accept that I wasn’t just hers anymore and we worked hard to build her confidence around other people. When she started pre-school three months later she went off with very little trouble and she started to flourish.
Jasmine is now at the end of reception and is more than happy to run off every morning without a look back at me. She talks to her friends, is always first to say if she thinks some injustice is going on whilst playing and will go off to her teachers happily to show them what she has mastered that day. At a party she is the first on the dance flower, will happily hold someone else’s hand who needs encouragement and will stand up for her friend and herself. I have some how made a confident, self-assured and a strong little girl, whilst my confidence and self-esteem is still a constant fight. Why am I such a hypocrite.
My daughter doesn’t tell people things they want to hear, she is confident in her own skin and looks and everyday is a new fun day to explore, learn and be happy. I have decided it’s about time that I start to take a page out of my daughters book and start getting a little Jazzy with my life. I have put so much effort into my daughter, assuring her, telling her about her wonderful attributes and telling her to be happy with who she is, but I have been a hypocrite the whole time.
I have been such a hypocrite as I do not do the same to myself. I get undressed and pick apart everything that is wrong with my body, my hair, my face, my intelligence and my mind. I may be able to hide this from her when she’s young, but eventually she will see through it. She will notice the little comments about my weight, the little put me downs I say to myself and the negative comments. To be a role model I need to work on myself and stop putting myself down. I owe her this as much as I owe myself.
Why do we struggle so much to accept ourselves for who we are, but we can happily accept our partners flaws and all? I wouldn’t put my husband down for his looks or his intelligence or a friend, but yet I do it to myself constantly. I always see the best in people, but I struggle to see it in myself, so I am going to write down a list of what I love about myself.
What I love about me.
- My quick wit. I am pretty funny and if you do get to know we you will realise I am also quick-witted and great for some banter.
- My empathy. I have BPD so I am an emotional person and it has taught me how to have great empathy with others.
- I have great lips. People pay for lip fillers, but I don’t need them as I’ve been blessed with beautiful lips.
- I am tall. I’m 5ft 10″ and I love being tall, I can hide a multitude of signs having the extra height and love nothing more than wearing some heels on a night out and being one of the tallest.
- I am caring. I care so much and sometimes too much about my children, friends, family, pets and mental health. If I care about something that I am incredibly passionate about it.
- I found my talent in writing. I might not be perfect, but I love it and I feel good for finding something that brings me so much joy.
- I’ve got good boobs. They’re not huge, they fit my frame, but they have done me proud and nursed two children for a total of three years.
- I am healthy. I might not be fighting fit and I know there is much room for improvement, but my health is in good order and that is something that should never be taken for granted.
- I am a good mum. I’m not perfect I have had to fight to still be here with my battle with PND, but I know now I am a good mum and I am proud of how far I’ve come.
My challenge is to start to love myself more, keep up with positive affirmations, working on myself and learning to love my body so I can say I am confident and I am not a hypocrite. #BeMoreJazzy