Mr T's birth story

Mr T’s birth story

I love a good birth story, click here for Miss J’s and now Mr T is almost two I think it’s time to share the story of how he came into this world. I think watching One Born Every Minute has also inspired me to write it down. I had a pretty rotten pregnancy with Mr T with lots of bleeding at the start and I was told on our second scan at 8 weeks I had a large hematoma next to my placenta and I could lose the baby. I had eight scans in total, had awful SPD (symphysis pubis dysfunaction) and really struggled getting around in the second half of my pregnancy. I saw a Osteopath weekly to help with the discomfort, but felt stuck either at work or home, unable to get around with a toddler. I’m pretty sure this is where my depression and also anxiety started. I cancelled plans constantly and just stayed at home crying wishing for my pregnancy to hurry up and be over, thinking I would immediately feel better once the baby was here.

I started having some twinges at 35 weeks and ended up in hospital where it was determined that I was very anemic and tachycardic and needed to be put on iron tablets and I was sent home after monitoring. A week later I was sent back in with irregular contractions and was kept in for monitoring where things seemed to be progressing nicely. I had spoken of my desire for an epidural from the start after a succesful one after a very painful back to back labour with my daughter and my midwife was more than happy to oblige and send for one. The midwife decided it was time to break my waters, but before then she decided to tell me as I had polyhydramnios (too much amniotic fluid) that the babies umbilical cord could come out first and I would need to put my bum in the air and have an emergency c-section. I went tachycardic again, blood pressure was high and babies heartbeat went a bit crazy, so they held off and decided to put a cannulae in instead to check for preeclampsia. The midwife made four failed attempts, and plenty of squirting blood to get a cannulae in and then decided to send for an anaesthetist. Luckily the anaesthetist got it in first time and gave the midwife a telling off for buturing my arm and hand. With all the panic my contractions slowed right down and I was feeling a bit of an emotional wreck. My test for preeclampsia came back negative and I was sent off to the ward to ‘rest’. Anyone who has been on one of those wards, knows unless your sedated you don’t rest. By the next morning everything had settled, my iron was increased again and I was sent back home and they said they were certain they would see me again in a few days.

I went back to work the next day, I still can’t believe I managed to finish off my last couple of days until maternity leave started. Once maternity leave had started I was feeling pretty determined to get the baby out. I think having the whole experience of being in hospital with everything ready to go, to then being sent on your way home I was just ready to meet my baby and also I was terrified that when my waters broke the umbilical cord would come out first and I would have to call 999 like instructed to. In those few days I got pretty miserable sitting around bouncing on my ball with contractions starting and stopping. My husband was working 12 hour shifts and I was at home with a very energetic almost three-year old.

On the Saturday whilst bouncing about on my ball the news came on saying that Kate Middleton was in labour, all I thought was lucky bloody cow. My friend called to meet for lunch in town, but I declined as I really thought my waters would break if I went out. I felt like I could feel my waters bulging and in the end decided to drive to my mum’s for some company and help with my daughter. My husband was due to go from work straight to a friend’s house to watch a fight on TV and my sister insisted on coming over to my house for a Chinese. Contractions started to pick up again and my sister started to time them. My sister was my birth partner and was very anxious to get to the hospital, I knew the drill and knew I would be sent home and couldn’t be bothered with the fuss of getting my daughter out of bed. Things again calmed down and I managed to persuade my sister to leave. I went upstairs immediately and went for a number 2 (haha) when I noticed I was leaking and had no control over it, I thought I had become incontinent, then I thought maybe it was my waters. I laid on the bed for a few minutes as you are advised and then stood up, when I felt a huge gush of water. I immediately phoned my sister back who already had her phone on her lap when driving, as she had a feeling I would go into labour that night. My sister woke Miss J up to tell her she was going to be a big sister and we rushed off to drop a sleepy, confused Miss J with my parents and headed to hospital.

Hubby beat us to the hospital and I went up to be examined where I was told I was 2cm so I was sent home. I was convinced everything would be all go when my waters broke and all the contractions I had earlier, so I stayed at my sister’s house which is much closer to the hospital and my husband was sent off to watch the rest of the fight around a friend’s house. My waters kept going and going, but I didn’t even have so much as of a backache. I tried to sleep as best as I could and in the morning my sister dropped me back home so I could rest. I was due to go back to the hospital at 8pm to be induced so I decided to sort the house, have a shower and a long nap. Everything was in order and at 6pm I went to my mum’s for my requested dinner of pie. Everything was so calm and it was so surreal to drive around with no water around my baby. We went off to the hospital for 8pm and a pessary was inserted to hopefully induce labour.

Relaxing through a contraction.

I attempted to sleep with terrible heartburn and mild backache and my husband and sister were sent home for the night. Morning came and I was checked again and the midwife said she could still feel my hind waters so she broke them and I was put on a drip. contractions were manageable and I put off having the epidural and just had gas and air. Five hours in and I was 5cm’s dilated and things went from being ok to horrendous. I begged for an epidural which only made my bum cheek numb. My midwife had to go off on her break and another came into cover. I kept telling her I felt the need to push and she kept shouting at me that I wasn’t ready as I was only 5cm. I decided to push anyway just as my midwife came back and confirmed I was fully dilated and two pushes later my baby boy was delivered at 37 weeks. He was born at 6:01pm was grey, squished and a perfect 7 ib’s and 1 oz.

Born at 37 weeks weighing 7ibs 1oz

I was bleeding heavily after labour and was 50ml off being classed as hemmoraged. I was put on an iron transfusion and left to lay in bed for two hours unable to move. I managed to get Mr T to have a feed after struggling to get him to latch at first, but otherwise I was so exhausted I didn’t have the energy to really hold him. I was put on the high dependency ward at 11pm and my sister and husband were sent home. I was given tramadol to help with the pain in my hips and spent the night a bit off my face being handed a baby to feed. The next day I begged to go home and made out that I felt fine. My iron was still low and I was given tablets and was discharged after lunch.

Looking back I was no way ready to have gone home and I think the lack of iron contributed to my postnatal depression, I was bleeding for ten weeks after birth and was constantly exhausted but refused to go and get help. If I did it again I would have done things differently. Even though the pregnancy was tough the actual labour was really straight forward and I am so happy to have a perfect little boy in our family.

Happy nearly two years Mr T x

 

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Why I am rocking motherhood

In this ever stressful world we live in where as mothers we are criticised for how we feed our babies milk, how we wean them, how we let them sleep, how we discipline and even what we let them crap in, I wanted to write an honest post to how I am rocking motherhood.

I am the best mum in the world in my children’s eyes and frankly that’s all that matters. My son is so chuffed he still gets boob before bed every night as mummy can’t be assed with trying to get him to wean off it and he’s also still loving his dummy. I am rocking motherhood as when he’s sleepy he gets cuddles with warm milk every night and then gets to suckle on his beloved “doodoo”. He sleeps through the night, so mummy gets time to herself every evening.

We recently had my daughters parents evening and I got to see some of her school work, she wrote that she loves her mummy as I give her chicken nuggets for dinner. I am rocking motherhood as I let my daughter eat chicken nuggets at least twice a week, she loves it, she eats it and it takes no effort to make. I made them once from scratch and frankly it was too much effort.

Miss J has become quiet the techie recently with the tablet. Every morning when she wakes up at 6am she gets an hour of ‘learning’ on the tablet whilst mummy sleeps next to her. I am rocking motherhood as I get an extra hour in bed (win) and she gets to brush up on her skills of navigating the tablet, I think she might become a computer programmer or something techie when she’s a big girl.

Miss J and Mr T love the TV, well what child doesn’t. They often get put in front of the electrical babysitter with an intellectual program (paw patrol), whilst mummy does some work on her laptop (social media, blogging etc). I am rocking motherhood because my kids get to learn what pup to call in an emergency and I get some peace and feel like I have socialized with the rest of the world.

Like all kids my children love a good play and getting out every toy they own. I often let them get every basket of toys out and even pull off the sofa cushions to jump on, whilst I head upstairs to escape the mayhem. I am rocking motherhood as I am teaching the kids to play independently and I am getting some time away from the carnage to either clean or hide.

My two love our local soft play and I enjoy it too. We go off on a Saturday morning with another mummy friend and the kids go mental for two hours swinging around and loving life. I leave them too it (within reason) and make Miss J keep an eye on her brother. I am rocking motherhood as I am teaching her responsibility and I get to chat with friends and enjoy a hot cup of tea. Mr T is usually knackered and will sleep on the way home too (win).

My children love their daddy so much, as do I. Sometimes when he isn’t working silly shifts he becomes daddy day-care and mummy goes out on a night on the town. I am rocking motherhood as my kids get a chance to be away from me and bond with their daddy and mummy gets a night off to get a little (a lot) tipsy with her other mummy friends so we can spend the whole evening talking about our darlings whilst sharing pictures of them with strangers.

My children are very lucky, they have five grandparents and two great grandparents that love them so much. Whilst the kiddies are still so young we only spend about £50 on each at birthdays and Christmas as we know they will get so many generous gifts. I am rocking motherhood as my children are not being spoiled (well at least not by us), and mummy and daddy have more money to go out for family days out or couples evenings out.

How are you rocking motherhood?

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Learning to communicate emotions

I thought I would write a post on something I am trying to learn to do with my therapist to hopefully give me a better understanding and also help others. Something I think many of us struggle with daily is how to communicate emotions and trying to change the way we think and do things, especially when we are creatures of habit it can be quiet difficult to learn to do something in a different way. For me to learn I find the best way to do it is to write it down in my own words, so this is what I am going to try to do.

We are taught from a young age to hide our emotions and often our emotions are invalidated. Do you remember at times as a child when you would cry and were told by your parents or even a teacher you were over reacting to your emotion. I know I have even told my daughter at times this and have even said she’s acting like a baby or being silly, which could affect her negatively. This behaviour is not helpful to a child or adult as it is basically invalidating them and teaching them hide their emotions. We all know if you suppress emotions eventually they build up and then they blow out of proportion to the actually trigger. I have a tendency to shout and cry at the same time when my emotions boil over and it can happen pretty often. I think the stiff upper lip of us English people is still so prevalent today where emotions and feelings are still often dismissed, but as we become more aware me know that this isn’t helpful for our wellbeing and things are beginning to change and people are becoming more mindful.

What I am trying to learn to do is communicate my emotions better and notice them more. I am a highly emotional person thanks to my borderline personality disorder and I want to recognise and communicate my emotions better. I find it easy to write about how I feel and I think that’s why I’ve found blogging so therapeutic, but for me to talk face to face I struggle to explain and that is something I need to work on.

Out of habit I also seem to suppress emotions and not show how I really feel which impacts me mentally. I have felt hurt and betrayed and never spoken up over fear of being told my feelings are not validated. I need to learn to own my own feelings and emotions and find a healthy way to communicate them.

This concept all comes down to mindfulness, which is all about being conscious of the present moment, are thoughts and feelings and others around us. It improves mental wellbeing so we can enjoy life more and understand ourselves better. A quick exercise I have learnt is to concentrate on your breathing, this is such an easy concept and something you can do almost anywhere. To do this all you need to do is focus on your breathing, breathe in for five seconds and then breath out for seven seconds. It immediately makes you focus on just your breathing, something we do all the time without a conscious thought, it relaxes and re-centres you and you can do it throughout the day to bring moments of calm.

We can learn to understand our emotions and use them in a more positive way to become more conscious and happier people. Emotions are not bad and not something we should feel we need hide and not something with should try to make our children hide. Once you learn how to communicate your emotions in a healthier way I believe life will be more rewarding, relaxing and you will feel better and more in control of your life. You are the manager of your life and you are in charge.

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The Baby Behind The Blog – #THELITTLEONE Tag

The Baby Behind The Blog – #THELITTLEONE Tag

Thank you to Lianne from  Mrs Mummy Harris for the tag.

An in depth interview with the one and only baby Mr T, son of The Muddled Mother. Lets talk popping, breastfeeding and Peppa Pig.

WHAT’S THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING 22 MONTHS OLD?

Life’s pretty good at this age if I’m honest, I can walk if I fancy it, still get pushed around if I don’t and mummy is always more than happy to carry me too.

… AND WHAT’S THE WORST THING?

When I run off, mummy runs after me and picks me up. Sometimes I just want independence then other times I want to be a baby.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE TOY?
This is a hard one. It’s a close call between my Peppa Pig toys and my cars. I love Cars and I say the world to mummy all day long as she loves to hear it.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO DO?

Besides doing big poo’s it’s probably eating. I watched a dog once sitting by someones feet whilst eating and they got fed, so I now do it and it works a charm.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO WEAR?
Mummy really likes dressing me up and I especially love my rainbow leggings. I like to wear wellies with everything, even just a nappy. I’m also a fan of being a nudist, but apparently it’s no acceptable to run naked into your sister’s room and pee on her Barbie.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE SONG?
Wind the bobbin up is pretty banging tune, I’ve got the dance moves down for that one.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD?
I love a good roast dinner with plenty of gravy. I’m obsessed with bacon and have also learnt how to say it whilst making ‘mmmm’ sounds. I know it might be a little controversial at my age, but I’m still necking the boob milk before bed, that stuff really knocks me out, I get tit faced most nights.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO WATCH ON TV?
When mums blogging she lets me watch some TV, my favs are probably Shimmer and Shine and Paw Patrol. If I’m allowed by my big sister my favourite film is Minions.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE BOOK?
I love Postman Bear by Julia Donaldson, those flaps to lift are crazy fun.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
I laugh when I fart really loudly, that never gets boring. I find peek a boo pretty hilarious, I’m sure I’m a wizard or something as I actually disappear when I hold that pillow up, it’s pretty intense.

WHO DO YOU LOVE, AND WHY?
I love my mummy as she gives me the best, squezzy cuddles. I love daddy as he tickles me and I love Jazzy as she has the best toys to play with. I’ve also got a girlfriend called Belle, she’s a bit older than me, but she gets me.

If you’d like to learn more about where this little one series came from you can visit The Secret Life Of Baby.

I am tagging Emma over at Mummy Em and Hana over at DIY Nappy Wielding Bride

#THELITTLEONE

#babybehindtheblog

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mothers day

To my wonderful mum on Mothers Day

Mother Goose you have taught me everything about being a mum and I will always be grateful for your love and support you have shown me. I know at times you don’t understand me and my actions confuse you, but I know you are always seeing the best in me, even when I can’t see it in myself.

Since becoming a mother almost five years ago I now know how hard it really is. They say you never truly appreciate your mother until you become one and I believe this is true. Telling me your labours were like being constipated with some period pains and they were over and done with quickly wasn’t helpful and I often doubt if you must have forgotten how bad it really was. You love to tease me about what hard work of it I made it, when you were the natural earth mother who sneezed and popped a baby out. You’ve always had a way of making it all look so much easier than I know it truly is. I will never understand how you kept a big house so tidy with two small children and an even more demanding man-child (don’t tell dad I called him that).

I believe I share your core values and I parent the way I do because of you. You were one of the original ‘attachment parents’ before it even was a thing. You didn’t wean us until we were six months of age which was unheard of in the 80’s, you breastfed on demand without a care in the world about other people’s opinions and I know you spent many an hour rocking me to sleep and never letting me cry it out. I love your beliefs, your passion and values you have as a parent and I love the grandma you have become to my little two. Your ability to never say no to my children is pretty amazing and must be exhausting at times.

Thank you for showing me how to breastfeed, not judging me when I had to use formula and for supporting me through the difficult early days until I had established a routine. Thank you for teaching me to breastfeed in public and not give two hoots what anyone else was thinking. If it wasn’t for you I’m certain I would have given up in those early days. Thank you for listening to me cry over the phone when I tirelessly struggled to get Miss J to sleep in her own bed, night after night. Thank you for looking after my children on Fridays so I can work and thank you even more for the occasional over night stays so I get to still have a life outside my home. Thank you for teaching me how to make an amazing roast dinner, your gravy is still always better than mine.

One of my favourite memories as a child with you was the day that just me and you went to Argos to get my new Barbie and Shelley set with the pushchair and we went down to the river to have lunch and you let me get her out the box to play. I remember so clearly how you would take me to the Library once a week and let me pick a book, how we went in on the bus together on our own little adventures. We had some amazing trips out as kids on the bus to Wickstead and by train to Brighton, me and my sister never missed out on anything and always had the best girls days out. I hope i’m making it up to you by taking you out for our ladies days out with plenty of wine.

Once I reached twelve I had not only over taken you in shoe size, but also height and I became protective of you. You were my little mummy and I always had your back. We had our fights and arguments, especially through the teenage years and I know you were confused with what to do with me at times, but I hope you can now look back and see you did a good job as I am just doing fine.

You have been the best mother I could have asked for and an equally fantastic nanny. You have supported me through so much and even as I approach 30 I know you still we always be by my side and hold my hand when I need you most. I respect your work ethic, your patience and your confidence that you give to life every day. You really are an inspiring lady and if everyone was like you as a mother, this world would be a much better place.

I will always be your baby daughter, your little girl and your friend. I will be with you, by your side until the end and I hope to make you prouder everyday we have together. I love you mum and I am eternally grateful that I have been lucky enough to have you as my mum. Your soul is beautiful and your love is kind and thank you for helping me become the amazing mother I am today to my children.

I love you Mother Goose xoxox

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Accepting the past and moving forward

Like many people do I do struggle with accepting the past, my mistakes and the whole what I could have done differently struggle in my head. It’s human nature for us to over analyse and wish that we could change things. I for one have a few things from my past I wish I could change, mistakes I wish I hadn’t made and people I wish I hadn’t hurt through my actions. I am very aware that I am not perfect, will never be perfect and will probably still make mistakes in my future. I am trying to learn to let go of anger and sadness that my past has caused me and move on with my life in a positive and happier way. I have a tendency to beat myself up and be very hard on myself, especially when it comes down to my parenting, but for me to be a better parent I need to learn to let go of these feelings.

Postnatal depression was a real kick in the teeth for me after years of working to be the best parent I could possibly be to my first born. I took the diagnoses as a criticism of my parenting and was incredibly hard on myself. The guilt manifested and made the problem much worse, but at the time I couldn’t see that. I know I haven’t been the best parent at times, but then I also know that I loved them dearly and did the best I could in the situation I was in at the time. We are our own worst enemies at times and often our worst critics. Anyone looking through my Facebook or Instagram at the time of my diagnosis would never have guessed anything was wrong and would have been led to believe I had a happy, perfect little family. Social media and our outside face is not a true depiction of reality and we need to remember that we are not alone in our struggles. Everyone I know closely in life has their own struggles, battles and issues daily, as does everyone in the world. We need to be more conscious and forgiving of this. Someone’s actions one day don’t always depict a true reflection on an individual. Usually when we feel attacked in any way we become defensive and push that onto someone else, we criticise others, compare ourselves to others and even try to out do each other.

I am gradually learning to let go of my past. I am no longer blaming myself for things I can no longer change. I am giving myself a blank slate and starting fresh in a happier, more stable and positive mind-set.  I am a great parent, a loving wife, a loyal sister and a wonderful friend. The people I surround myself with are people I love, they understand me and they do not judge me. I have learnt to let go of friendships that are one-sided and others that are toxic. I accept others for their flaws and work my best at understanding their flaws as I hope they do with me.

Accepting the past and moving forward

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How i'm learning to accept my personality disorder

How i’m learning to accept my personality disorder

Recently I’ve been asked how I’ve been able to be so accepting of my borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I’ve sat back and thought openly on why I have accepted it and why I haven’t let it destroy anymore of my life. The answer is I have accepted it as for me a diagnosis was almost a relief to know why I acted this way, why I was so emotional unstable and why I was so impulsive. I’m not saying I love this diagnosis or I am happy to be like this, but finally in my life I feel I’ve learnt to understand a big part of my personality.

Borderline personality disorder has ruled my life since I was a teenager, but like many people I was unaware, I just assumed I was just a really emotional person and even at times I was a bad person. The thing with borderline personality disorder it’s not always bad, I feel emotions really intensely the good and the bad. At times in my life I have felt such overpowering, wonderful emotions of happiness and love. I have at times cried happy tears and have felt so happy, I feel euphoric and like I can do anything I put my mind too. The other side is that at times I feel the lowest of the low and have intrusive and suicidal thoughts, but now I know that I have borderline personality disorder I do know that these mood instabilities are only temporary and they will even back out again.

Like most people with BPD I also deal with depression and anxiety. These disorders are all separate, but are strongly linked together and play a big part. Before I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my second child my anxiety had already been causing massive issues for me throughout my pregnancy. Once my son was born it was quite apparent that the PND was making my borderline personality disorder worse. At the time I had no idea that I had borderline personality disorder, but looking back I was emotionally very unstable and would sit holding my son feeling a rush of love and crying with happiness to then feeling resentment towards him and complete detachment. It was an emotional rollercoaster and it all came to head this January when I tried to end my life. I have now started to recognise my triggers, which unfortunately I cannot avoid, but I  can understand a little better why my symptoms of BPD are getting worse at times.

Most people also assume like I once did that BPD was for life and that you could never be treated for it. Only twenty odd years ago BPD was thought to be a lifelong condition with no treatment. BPD sufferers have a high suicide rate, around 1 in 10 people and for someone who suffers with it I can see why that number is so high. The most effective treatment for BPD is dialectic behavioural therapy (DBT) which was created in the late 1980’s. DBT works in a similar way to cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) which works well for anxiety and depression. DBT in a nutshell is about accepting yourself as you are and making positive changes in your life. I won’t go into much more detail because if I am honest I really don’t know enough about it yet, as I am yet to start sessions. Knowing that there is a form of treatment does give me hope.

BPD has been a large contributing factor in me sabotaging goals in my life and that is why I have to write about it, as it is such an important therapy for me. Not only does it help me deal with my feelings, it potentially helps someone else, raises awareness and also keeps me focussed on a goal. So yes, I am accepting BPD as I have hope that one day I can say that I no longer have it and that I have overcome it.

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Little moments of happiness – week 5

I’m feeling pretty rubbish right now, with a horrible cold and anxiety creeping in. I’m feeling pretty unmotivated and not really wanting to focus on my blog or writing ‘little moments of happiness’. Why it’s important to still do this is that It keeps me focused and will hopefully make me reflect on my past week in a more positive way, so that I can look forward to a more positive week. It’s so important for us not just to care about our body, but also our mind, and my mind needs some extra care right now. So onto this weeks little moments of happiness .

  • Miss J impressed me this week with a handwritten birthday list of friends she wants to ask to her 5th birthday party. She asked how to spell everyone’s name, but it was written perfectly and it must have taken her lots of concentration.
  • Miss J’s teacher this week also told me how quickly she was progressing with her reading. This is so important for me as I know she’s an intelligent girl, but struggles to stay focussed just like I did at her age.
  • Mr T has started to put two words together and he’s all of a sudden stopped being a baby and become a toddler. He’s becoming quite the little chatterbox.
  • I smashed a class of 20/20/20 at the gym even when I thought I would pass out half way through the legs section.
  • A beautiful spring walk and lunch around the marina with a friend. Unfortunately it was still pretty muddy and my pushchair is in a much needed hose down. Mr T also slept the whole walk and I could have adult conversation.
  • A tasty Italian meal out for my mothers 62nd birthday. We stayed in the restaurant till pass 9pm and BOTH children were still happy and behaving.

Reading back through this and racking my brain I already feel a little better about my snotty week. I am still full of snot, can’t breath through my nose, but I will survive and make another week of little happy memories.

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The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

I have grown up always feeling like the little girl lost. I sometimes wonder if it’s through the way I’ve grown up, my personality or is it because of my borderline personality disorder. I spent my teenage years constantly trying to fit in and be some body I wasn’t, which I think is normal, even if it doesn’t feel it at the time, but as an adult I thought one day I would wake up and know what I was supposed to do. All minds are complex as our emotions, but my own mind I have struggled to understand and my emotions have always be chaotic and sometimes just unpredictable. Some days I have woken up not knowing what personality I will be that day.

I have bobed along for so long and done what I thought was expected of me. I have been happy, sad, excited and suicidal. I have loved life and hated life. I have had my heart-broken and I have loved with all my soul. I have understood the meaning of unconditional love and felt the pain of losing someone too young. I have lived, sometimes just surviving and I have been so lost of who I really am. Any dream I had ever imagined had always been crushed and I eventually learnt it was best not to dream.

I have always been good at seeing both sides of the story and can empathise with people whole heartedly. But at times I still feel like I should just follow the path that’s expected of me and not push past into the unknown. Since Mr T was born and having postnatal depression it has made me see my life in a new light. Going through hell and back I have questioned many things about life, my beliefs, my values and have worked hard at self-improvement. I don’t want to be the person I was programmed to me and want to be able to give more and get more out of life.

I am blessed to have met a husband who understands me and accepts me for all my flaws. He makes me stronger as I make him stronger, we are so different, but have the same ideas about life. He has opened my eyes and made me see things through a different perspective. He is the only man in my life who I have complete respect for as I know he has always had my best interests at heart.

Growing up I feel I haven’t been able to channel my energy well which left me as a teenager rebelling badly. I wasn’t just a naughty teenager I was off the rails for a few years. Into my adult life I continued to be reckless and often put myself in dangerous situations. I was just lost in life and didn’t know what to do with myself or what I wanted out of it. I was always desperate for a family, but besides that I had never looked at what would happen after that.

Getting pregnant with Miss J was the moment it all changed for me. I had always wanted the family life, the husband, the house, the children and the cat. I got it, I had what I had always wanted, but with the birth of my second and my tendency to self-sabotage anything that goes well, things started to become testing and I lost myself for a while. Postnatal-depression made me reevaluate my life and eventually figure out who I needed to become.

Mr T is almost 2 years old and I have now learnt how to be the mother of two children, have a work/life balance and let go of the expectations of me. I have learned to appreciate my children, not stress about the small stuff and to always have a dream. My dreams and goals may have changed a little over the years, but they still involve the same people and I am now certain that I can make these dreams come true.

I was lost for so long and now I am found. My story has many chapters left and I dream endlessly about the outcome. Postnatal depression sent me to hell and back, almost killed me, but it also woke me up to life, taught me to appreciate how precious every moment is and how we should not just exist and waste time. Everyday is a new day to grow and learn and I am thankful for that, I am thankful for life.

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Ladies day out in London - B-bakery afternoon tea bus tour

Ladies day out in London – B-bakery afternoon tea bus tour

Last week I was lucky enough to get into London and enjoy a lovely day out with my mum and sister, enjoying afternoon tea and some sightseeing. More often than not I get too busy and my days are taken up with the children and our days are focused on keeping them entertained. After a rocky few months I have been making an effort to do more things for myself again and thought it would a good opportunity to spend some quality time with my mum and sister.

My sister works in London so me and my mum caught the train into London to meet her for midday from work. My sister made the suggestion of a lovely Italian called Harry’s pizzeria in Black Friars and it was even warm enough to enjoy our meal outside. We enjoyed some pizza and people watching and started planning our route to take around London for the day. If I’m honest I still get a bit nervous around London and getting lost. Anyone who knows me well, will know that I often end up getting lost when driving and I’m not much better with trains. I managed to get lost getting home from my daughters swimming lesson the other day around 3 miles from my house, my daughter even tells me to get the sat nav out and has learnt her left and right from it at around 2 years old.

Harry's pizzeria, Black Friars, London
Harry’s pizzeria, Black Friars, London

As the weather was so nice and we had time, we decided to walk down the Thames and enjoy the sights on our way to Trafalgar Square. I managed to get some great pictures and work up an appetite for our afternoon tea bus tour. I’ve done many afternoon teas in the past and love nothing more than tea and cake, so as you can imagine I was really excited to try this out and loved the quirkiness of having a tour around London at the same time. I loved the vintage look to the bus and how well done it all was, even the tiniest details really made it such an amazing experience. Even if the bus didn’t move it still would have been magical. The staffs were friendly and efficient and the cakes, omg the cakes were just amazing. We had so much lovely food to eat and plenty of tea in our tummies and still had left overs to take home in a little box. The tour was so much fun and you felt a little bit like a celebrity with everyone eager to snap pictures of the bus as it passed by. I’ve promised my daughter that when she’s five I will take her along. Booking information for B-Bakery is here, they also have a bakery you can visit in Covent Garden and do afternoon tea cruise tours.

B-Bakery Afternoon Tea Bus Tour
B-Bakery Afternoon Tea Bus Tour
The amazing scones B-bakery bus tour
The scones were amazing

Following on from amazing afternoon tea and some very full tummies we headed off to the pier for our city cruise sightseeing tour. We sat on the top deck and enjoyed listening to our extremely funny tour guide. The pictures I got were fab and it was lovely to see the city from a different angle. I found the tour informative, staff helpful and toilet facilities on board much better than any public London toilet. Prices for tickets are very reasonable and snacks and drinks on board are good for London prices. Check out their website and see the different option available, book tickets here

City Cruises Sightseeing Tour

The day went perfectly and I’m already planning my next trip into London for wine and cheese tasting.

*I received services and products for free in this blog post to review. All opinions are my own and are honest*

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