Wave of light – Miscarriage awareness week

As it’s baby loss awareness week I thought I would share my experience of miscarriage with you. I’ve not had a very good track record with straight forward pregnancies but I have been lucky enough to get pregnant easily. I had bleeding from the start with Miss J and had a total of 7 scans in the pregnancy, but by 20 weeks the bleeding had stopped. At our first scan at 6 weeks we were told they couldn’t find a heartbeat but it could be still too early so was advised to wait a week for another scan, this was the hardest week of my life not knowing what our babies fate was. The worry never went away and I didn’t feel I would relax until that baby was placed in my arms.

When Miss J was just over a year old and I had just started back at work we found out I was pregnant again. It was a complete surprise and not the best time to be adding to our family but after a talk and some time it started to sink in. I started browsing through the Mothercare website at cute baby clothes and started to imagine what are life would be like with having two under two.

I started to bleed on the Friday night but I wasn’t too worried at first as it was only light, but by the next morning it was heavy and also painful. I managed to get an appointment with the out of hours Dr, where I was checked over and told to wait until Monday for my scan.

The next two days of waiting were like being in limbo.  I didn’t know how to feel, should I be preparing myself for the worst or should I be hoping for the best. Monday came and I headed off to the scan and waited with all the other mothers to be. Some mums were walking out clutching the scan photo, beaming ear to ear whilst others came out with puffy looking eyes. I waited and waited and finally my name was called. I went in and the sonogramer was ever so chatty and put me at ease. They started with the scan on my tummy which was showing nothing so they decided it was best they did an internal one. It was clear by the way the sonogramer was acting that something wasn’t right. She lifted her head from the screen and said sorry.

Everything after was a blur. I was taken into a side room with a nurse where she gave me advice and a leaflet but I didn’t focus on what she was saying. I walked back out to the car park and just drove home unable to process what had just happened. How could I be so sad over something that I hadn’t even wanted a few weeks earlier. With Miss J being so small and needing me I had no choice but to pick myself up and carry on. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it and buried my feelings which made me feel isolated and alone. My body felt empty and I blamed myself for not taking folic acid earlier and for drinking before finding out, when in reality I was just unlucky and it was one of those things.

Just over a year after me and my husband decided it was time to try again and within the month I was pregnant again. I couldn’t believe how quickly it had happened but I felt so scared. I didn’t have any morning sickness and didn’t feel pregnant which was making me worry from the start then at 6 weeks I started bleeding a lot. I broke down in tears in the bathroom convinced that again I was losing this baby and I felt devastated. I called the Dr’s who got me booked in for a scan for the next day. It was horrible walking back into the same room. Luckily a heartbeat was picked up quickly and I could see my little pea bouncing around. I was told I had a collection of blood around the baby and would have to come back for more scans.  That little pea is now 17 months old and I am so thankful for this precious gift.

#WaveOfLight

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