Stupid things I said before children

Stupid things I said before children

I said many a stupid thing before children and I hear many other pre-child women say the same, I just nod along politely and smile as I know one day they will reflect on their old naive selves and laugh. We really believed we wouldn’t shout at our children in the park like ‘that’ mum or feed a child that horrible junk from McDonald’s. When I looked after my friends children I always thought I was going to be the best mum and it wasn’t really that hard, the thing is, that it is easy to be the best mum when you only have to do it for 24 hours, but when you are parenting every day it’s not such an easy job. You soon realise you have to adapt to your child, the circumstances and that you have to pick your battles wisely. Parenting is a relentless and exhausting and we had to back track on those stupid things we said before children.

  • I will not bribe my children to be good. I will literally bribe my children for anything including ten minuets peace.
  • I will always make sure my children are neat and tidy before leaving the house. One thing I’ve never been able to stand is snotty noses and messy hair, but now if the children are out the door and we are on time we are winning. Miss J has also discovered ‘fashion’ and will dress herself in some terrible mismatched outfits.
Fashion
  • I will set boundaries and go to the toilet and bath on my own. LOL this is something I have failed at in every way. If I’m in the toilet I am never alone and often my daughter will ask if I need my mummy nappy (pad). Bathtime is like a strange hot tub party from college days, lots of naked people and most probably some bodily fluid be bathed in.
  • I will not use a dummy once they turn one. I was always adamant that past the age of one my children would not have a dummy as it looks ridiculous and is lazy parenting. Again I have failed at this and Miss J had a dummy until three and Mr T is still a dummy addict at two. Having a dummy means he sleeps, he has comfort and I get some peace. I couldn’t care less what anyones opinion is on this now.
Dummy addict
  • I will not breastfeed in public without a cover. I have happily breastfed my child anywhere and everywhere including in a church, a farm and even in the middle of a football match. If a baby needs feeding just go ahead and feed.
  • I will not swear in front of my children. This started well for me until Miss J turned into a diva at three. She knows some swear words, knows they are not to be used and knows that mummy isn’t perfect and has said them before. unfortunately it isn’t a reality for a child not to hear a swear word so my moto is to teach them its naughty and that mummy is sometimes naughty by saying them.
  • I will not shout at my children. I hate shouting, but unfortunately at times I am the shouty mum, I’m not saying it’s right, but we are all human and parenting is tough. Again I try to explain my actions and I am always first to apologise if I am not happy with how I behaved.
  • I will cook them fresh meals and if they don’t eat it they will go hungry. This started so well with Miss J then she decided she hated everything besides chicken nuggets. Mr T just eats whatever he can get even if it is off the floor or from the cats bowl.
mmmm chocolate
  • We will do lots of creating and making. I am artistic, but I am also a control freak. We start off so well but then it quickly turns into me getting stressed and someone crying. We leave all that to school unless I feel optimistic enough to try again.
  • I will not let my child watch too much TV. My child is babysat by the TV, she still talks, is intelligent, can role play with toys and her brain is not mush.
  • I will still have time for myself. For a long time I didn’t and it was hard, but finally I do have time for me again and I love it. I don’t get as much time to myself as I thought I would though and that’s fine as it won’t be forever.
  • I won’t dress like a mum and will still do my make-up. I still try to wear nice clothes when I have somewhere decent to go, but if it’s school run and chores I will be in jeans and my converse. Again I wear make-up, but unless I have somewhere to go it’s nothing fancy.
  • I won’t let my child sleep in my bed. We have pretty much broke this habit besides the odd night, but for a good year Miss J only slept in our bed and Mr T always ended up in our bed to breastfeed for the first 9 months. Four in a bed isn’t comfy, but it sure is cosy.
  • My living room will still be tidy. My house looks like a unicorn pucked in it, full of sparkles, purple and pink. My living room resembles Toy ‘R’ Us and is rammed full of cheap plastic tat.
  • If that was my child screaming in a restaurant I would take it outside. I’m sorry but I take my children out for lunches and sometimes an early dinner, but if they act up I can’t do much about it. They need to learn and the only way is letting them out in the real world.

What silly things did you say before children?

 

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Maybe baby number three?

Maybe baby number three?

We have one of each a perfect pigeon pair, yet still we get asked if baby number three will come. It’s a question I still ask myself  lots and even I’m not 100% sure on what the outcome will be. Every few months a new baby is born in my friendship social circle, I have baby showers and christenings filling up my weekends and my Facebook feed is full of squishy gorgeous little newborns and my womb is aching for baby number three. At the age of 29 motherhood and everything baby is in full swing and I cannot, not see it. I am forever feeling friends babies kick in their mummy’s tummy’s and getting to cradle a gorgeous ball of sweet-smelling, squishiness and even my own baby (two a few days ago) still resembles a baby at times. Mr T is in a fresh baby grow and having cuddles before bed is literally my favourite moment of the day.

Will this feeling fade when all my friends finally stop having babies, we again get our weekends back and are able to socialize without a children’s party of soft play in sight? Am I just a broody person and no matter how many babies I have I’ll never not stop wanting another one more? I think maybe now my youngest has turned two I am feeling a little lost, I know a year will pass in a heartbeat and he’ll be waving me off and starting pre-school and I’ll have the feeling of an empty nest. They really do grow up so fast and before you know it they are their own little people, with their own likes and dislikes and they stop needing you quiet as much. When you spend so long being a mum, at home with these babies, jumping to their ever need it becomes a bit odd when you’re not needed in the same way.

So will baby number three ever be on the cards? Maybe, hopefully, I’m not certain, but I love the idea of having one more baby. I don’t feel done and have always imagined my life with three children. Right now though it’s a big no, I might be broody and long for baby cuddle’s, but I have some beautiful friends babies to cuddle to fill in for now. When both the children are in school and we feel maybe our family needs one more little person then I hope it will be an option. We may get to this point and decide we are happy, content and not want to go back to all that a new baby entails. Who knows what the future will hold for us as a family, but right now we are a family of four and are the perfect balance.

Something that does worry me about the thought of a third child is having to deal with postnatal depression, I’m very much aware that it is possible I could get PND again and the thought of that terrifies me. I would imagine I would notice the signs quicker and seek help, but I worry putting my family in that position again would make me feel selfish. I wonder if I want another child because I feel I missed out on so much with Mr T from suffering with PND for almost two years of his life. It’s not something I would take lightly and having a third child would be a huge decision for us. I am a planner, but this is something I cannot plan right now, I guess we will just have to see what happens in the future.

Does anyone else get the same feelings? I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this subject.

The first steps of getting help with postnatal depression and anxiety

 

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17 Top tips for a happier life with a new baby

17 Top tips for a happier life with a new baby

A new baby is something really special, they smell gorgeous, are tiny and cute and they completely over haul your lives for a while. It takes some to time to adjust to a new baby in your home, as you get to know them and they get to know you. It’s hard work, exhausting and emotionally draining. I’ve written some tips I would have given myself as a new baby arrived.

 

  1. Trust your instinct it’s usually right.
  2. If in doubt ask for a second opinion. Always feel strong enough to ask for a second opinion about your baby, see another doctor or see a health visitor and make sure you feel comfortable with the advice you’ve given.
  3. Sleep when the baby sleeps and don’t feel guilty about it. A tired mummy is no good to anyone.
  4. Breastfeed your baby and if that isn’t what you want to do or it doesn’t work out, then bottle feed your baby.
  5. Own your parenting decisions and don’t be made to feel guilty. We all have to make difficult decisions around are parenting choices and we need to be confident in them.
  6. Let the other stuff slide. cooking, cleaning friends can all take a bit of a backseat whilst you adjust to motherhood.
  7. Make sure you still do stuff you enjoy. If that’s getting out with some friends then so be it or if you’re a home bird and not ready to leave the baby then have a nice bath or read a book whilst someone watches the baby.
  8. If you don’t already have them, make mum friends. Join a group on Facebook or go to a local mum’s group, these women need you as much as you need them.
  9. Your baby probably wont sleep for a long time and that’s normal. Try and ignore anyone who says that their 2 week old sleeps through for 12 hours as the chances are when that baby is teething, sleep will once again be a distant memory.
  10. Hold your baby, let time pass by, breath in that smell and remember the perfect moments.
  11. Every mum 1st, 2nd, or 6th time will make a mistake so don’t let it upset you. Your baby won’t remember and guilt is every mum’s worst enemy.
  12. Take everyone’s opinions with a pinch of salt. Take your time to make up your own mind.
  13. Don’t compare your baby to another baby.
  14. Sometimes are own mother’s and grandmother’s want to pass on their words of wisdom, but please remember advice has changed hugely over the last 20+ years. I’m sure the advice is meant to be helpful, but please make sure the advice you are given meets current guidelines. No babies sleeping on tummy or thickened formula please.
  15. Muslins clothes are amazing and you can never have enough. Great for all sorts of spit up and mess and also double as handy breastfeeding cover tucked into your bra strap.
  16. Ask for help. You don’t need to be a hero and you won’t get an award. If you need help, please ask for it.
  17. Always have baby wipes around. I honestly don’t know how mum’s managed before baby wipes, as they really are amazing for cleaning anything! If you don’t fancy shop bought ones you can always make your own.

Little babies don’t stay little for long so try to remember those special moments as when you look back this is what matters. The night-time feeds, screaming, baby sick and tears from you and baby will fade much quicker over time, but those little moments of happiness will last a lifetime,

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Why I am rocking motherhood

In this ever stressful world we live in where as mothers we are criticised for how we feed our babies milk, how we wean them, how we let them sleep, how we discipline and even what we let them crap in, I wanted to write an honest post to how I am rocking motherhood.

I am the best mum in the world in my children’s eyes and frankly that’s all that matters. My son is so chuffed he still gets boob before bed every night as mummy can’t be assed with trying to get him to wean off it and he’s also still loving his dummy. I am rocking motherhood as when he’s sleepy he gets cuddles with warm milk every night and then gets to suckle on his beloved “doodoo”. He sleeps through the night, so mummy gets time to herself every evening.

We recently had my daughters parents evening and I got to see some of her school work, she wrote that she loves her mummy as I give her chicken nuggets for dinner. I am rocking motherhood as I let my daughter eat chicken nuggets at least twice a week, she loves it, she eats it and it takes no effort to make. I made them once from scratch and frankly it was too much effort.

Miss J has become quiet the techie recently with the tablet. Every morning when she wakes up at 6am she gets an hour of ‘learning’ on the tablet whilst mummy sleeps next to her. I am rocking motherhood as I get an extra hour in bed (win) and she gets to brush up on her skills of navigating the tablet, I think she might become a computer programmer or something techie when she’s a big girl.

Miss J and Mr T love the TV, well what child doesn’t. They often get put in front of the electrical babysitter with an intellectual program (paw patrol), whilst mummy does some work on her laptop (social media, blogging etc). I am rocking motherhood because my kids get to learn what pup to call in an emergency and I get some peace and feel like I have socialized with the rest of the world.

Like all kids my children love a good play and getting out every toy they own. I often let them get every basket of toys out and even pull off the sofa cushions to jump on, whilst I head upstairs to escape the mayhem. I am rocking motherhood as I am teaching the kids to play independently and I am getting some time away from the carnage to either clean or hide.

My two love our local soft play and I enjoy it too. We go off on a Saturday morning with another mummy friend and the kids go mental for two hours swinging around and loving life. I leave them too it (within reason) and make Miss J keep an eye on her brother. I am rocking motherhood as I am teaching her responsibility and I get to chat with friends and enjoy a hot cup of tea. Mr T is usually knackered and will sleep on the way home too (win).

My children love their daddy so much, as do I. Sometimes when he isn’t working silly shifts he becomes daddy day-care and mummy goes out on a night on the town. I am rocking motherhood as my kids get a chance to be away from me and bond with their daddy and mummy gets a night off to get a little (a lot) tipsy with her other mummy friends so we can spend the whole evening talking about our darlings whilst sharing pictures of them with strangers.

My children are very lucky, they have five grandparents and two great grandparents that love them so much. Whilst the kiddies are still so young we only spend about £50 on each at birthdays and Christmas as we know they will get so many generous gifts. I am rocking motherhood as my children are not being spoiled (well at least not by us), and mummy and daddy have more money to go out for family days out or couples evenings out.

How are you rocking motherhood?

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mothers day

To my wonderful mum on Mothers Day

Mother Goose you have taught me everything about being a mum and I will always be grateful for your love and support you have shown me. I know at times you don’t understand me and my actions confuse you, but I know you are always seeing the best in me, even when I can’t see it in myself.

Since becoming a mother almost five years ago I now know how hard it really is. They say you never truly appreciate your mother until you become one and I believe this is true. Telling me your labours were like being constipated with some period pains and they were over and done with quickly wasn’t helpful and I often doubt if you must have forgotten how bad it really was. You love to tease me about what hard work of it I made it, when you were the natural earth mother who sneezed and popped a baby out. You’ve always had a way of making it all look so much easier than I know it truly is. I will never understand how you kept a big house so tidy with two small children and an even more demanding man-child (don’t tell dad I called him that).

I believe I share your core values and I parent the way I do because of you. You were one of the original ‘attachment parents’ before it even was a thing. You didn’t wean us until we were six months of age which was unheard of in the 80’s, you breastfed on demand without a care in the world about other people’s opinions and I know you spent many an hour rocking me to sleep and never letting me cry it out. I love your beliefs, your passion and values you have as a parent and I love the grandma you have become to my little two. Your ability to never say no to my children is pretty amazing and must be exhausting at times.

Thank you for showing me how to breastfeed, not judging me when I had to use formula and for supporting me through the difficult early days until I had established a routine. Thank you for teaching me to breastfeed in public and not give two hoots what anyone else was thinking. If it wasn’t for you I’m certain I would have given up in those early days. Thank you for listening to me cry over the phone when I tirelessly struggled to get Miss J to sleep in her own bed, night after night. Thank you for looking after my children on Fridays so I can work and thank you even more for the occasional over night stays so I get to still have a life outside my home. Thank you for teaching me how to make an amazing roast dinner, your gravy is still always better than mine.

One of my favourite memories as a child with you was the day that just me and you went to Argos to get my new Barbie and Shelley set with the pushchair and we went down to the river to have lunch and you let me get her out the box to play. I remember so clearly how you would take me to the Library once a week and let me pick a book, how we went in on the bus together on our own little adventures. We had some amazing trips out as kids on the bus to Wickstead and by train to Brighton, me and my sister never missed out on anything and always had the best girls days out. I hope i’m making it up to you by taking you out for our ladies days out with plenty of wine.

Once I reached twelve I had not only over taken you in shoe size, but also height and I became protective of you. You were my little mummy and I always had your back. We had our fights and arguments, especially through the teenage years and I know you were confused with what to do with me at times, but I hope you can now look back and see you did a good job as I am just doing fine.

You have been the best mother I could have asked for and an equally fantastic nanny. You have supported me through so much and even as I approach 30 I know you still we always be by my side and hold my hand when I need you most. I respect your work ethic, your patience and your confidence that you give to life every day. You really are an inspiring lady and if everyone was like you as a mother, this world would be a much better place.

I will always be your baby daughter, your little girl and your friend. I will be with you, by your side until the end and I hope to make you prouder everyday we have together. I love you mum and I am eternally grateful that I have been lucky enough to have you as my mum. Your soul is beautiful and your love is kind and thank you for helping me become the amazing mother I am today to my children.

I love you Mother Goose xoxox

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Sorry children mummy is leaving

Sorry children mummy is leaving

Sorry children mummy is leaving, not forever,

but I am leaving for a few days.

You will be with your daddy and we can skype,

but unfortunately I will not be there to tuck you in at night.

Mummy is a little bit exhausted and needs a break from parenting for just a few days.

I won’t be doing anything you enjoy whilst away, actually everything I am doing you really despise.

I will be sleeping lots, reading long books with no pictures,

laying in the sun with a cool pina colada and not moving a muscle as I let my skin bake,

I plan to eat lots of food you definitely will not like and I will be drinking lots of fizz and wine.

There will be no building sandcastles, no inflatable balls, no early mornings and no chicken nuggets, not at all.

I’m sorry children, but mummy just needs some time to herself,

to talk about something besides elf on the shelf.

Mummy doesn’t want to argue with a 4 year old diva or a tantruming terrible twos,

she just wants to get shit faced and placed by the pool.

I love you both dearly and will miss you so much,

but mummy is hoping to find who she once used to be

before all the breastfeeding and pooey nappies.

Before the stretch marks, the bags under the eyes,

mummy once had a twinkle in her eye.

She wore high heels, make up and even a push up bra,

but then she became a bit ga ga.

I hope you behave for your dad and remember he is just as good as me,

he might not make the barbie voices the same,

but you know he’s the best for rough and tumble and games on the wii.

But please children don’t forget about me,

as mummy will be thinking about her little family tree.

Mummy will come back all refreshed and say lot less f’s

and daddy will sure appreciate how much work it can be to run a family.

So here you go daddy,

you now have a story to read the children before bed about

the mummy who ran away to escape to the magical island and dared to bare her tummy.

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Parenting a strong willed boy

Parenting a strong willed boy

It was quite apparent from an early age that Mr T has been strong willed and a bit of a handful. Miss J has her moments and is pretty stubborn at times, but from an early age distraction or even reasoning with her has always worked. I’ve found parenting Miss J easy to some extent and never doubted my abilities as a parent until Mr T started to show us his personality. Often since his arrival in May 2015 I have refered to him as difficult baby and toddler, but this is not true, he is not difficult or naughty he’s just strong willed and that’s what makes him, him.

Mr T is now 21 months and is pretty much mute with words besides mummy, juice, milk and please. He does seem to have a good understanding of what we are saying to him, but he as far as he’s concerned he has no one to please and will listen if he fancies it. I do wonder at times if I gave him the wrong name as he rarely responds to it.

Mr T started to crawl at 10 months and as soon as he was able to pull himself up and climb he’s been a force to reckon with. He’s strong willed, determined and so stubborn and I often wonder how I manage to get through the day. He will climb anything and often fall off things, if he decides he wants to climb something he will not give up until he’s succeeded and most probably got a bump to the head. I’ve learnt to stay close and guide him so he can explore the world in his own way.

For the last year I’ve lived in a constant state of anxiety trying to parent such a strong willed boy, I’ve often asked myself is it just me who can’t handle a boy, is he particularly difficult or is it just the postnatal depression that has stopped me from parenting how I used to with just one child. Having time to reflect and see his personality grow I am gradually learning to just enjoy him for who he is and that this age is just a phase and it should (I hope) get easier.

Mr T is not just strong willed, he has many other amazing personality traits like his gentleness, affection and his sheer determination is amazing. I look forward to seeing how his personality grows with him and I hope to help direct his strong willed personality into the right areas of his life. I’m sure like his dad he will be a fantastic sportsman and have his competitiveness that I wish I had.

Mr T has taught me so much since he was born, he’s taught me how to catch a falling child without flinching, how to stop a bump swelling so quickly, how to always expect a poo directly after a bath and to love two children equally, but differently. Mr T has shown me that children aren’t just naughty, they are just learning in a way that fits their personality and that no way is wrong. Mr T is making me a better parent every single day and has found his way to fit into our little family perfectly.

 

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Please stop following me

Please stop following me darling

I am sure many of us mums can relate to have a mini person following them where ever they go, as soon as I move from one room I hear the scurry of little feet behind, following me. I expected it as a parent to not get a minuets peace, but sometimes i’m thinking please just sit down and please play with your a million toys and leave me the (insert choice word) alone.

Miss J is four and half years old and has been at school now since September. I drop off in the morning with no tears and a quick cuddled and kiss with no worries of how she will be. The problem is when Miss J is home, she is incredibly clingy to me and cannot spend a single second in her own company. I thought having a brother might help at least entertain her whilst I went for a poo, but no chance just yet. Mr T at 20 months is quiet happy sitting watching the minions whilst I get on with my jobs that I need to complete.

Miss J is a sensitive little girl which I adore about her and she is still a very cuddly little thing. I know I shouldn’t complain, but I am unable to get a seconds peace whilst trying to fulfil one of my many lovely mum duties I have. If I’m making the bed she is rolling around on it, if I am having a shower she is sitting on the toilet seat telling me she loves my wobbly tummy and if I do need to use the toilet she will be handing me a tampon (she thinks they are toilet fresheners).

From the moment Miss J was born she has been a velcro baby and we only managed to get her out of our bed just before her little brother arrived. Me and Miss J were so lucky for it to just be us two for three years, where we spent many a day out together, making wonderful memories and cementing an everlasting bond. Little Miss J has become my best little friend and someone I love to spend time with, especially as her daddy has to work long hours and shift work. When Mr T came into this world Miss J wasn’t so keen and wasn’t overly impressed with having to share her time with me. Mr T as he gets older has started to get his independence, partly because his sister has left him no choice.

Even when Miss J’s dad is around she is still wanting to know where I am and if I do leave the house there will be tears from her. As soon as I go upstairs to attempt to hoover I hear her screaming ‘mummy’ and following after me. I love her dearly, but I wish she would learn to be on her own for just a while.

I will try to remind myself everyday when she is asking me to pick her up, sit with her to play barbies or cuddle her through a scary bit in a film, that one day she will stop asking for me. One day she’ll be rushing out the door to go shopping with her friends or to meet with her boyfriend and I’ll hardly get a goodbye.

 

 

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My birth story miss j

Birth story Miss J

Whilst going through my old files on my computer I came across my birth stories I wrote a few weeks after giving birth to my children. I wrote both these stories whilst they were fresh in my mind and I’m so glad I did as reading through now there so much I had forgotten. I love a good birth story and could listen to people talk about them forever. To give birth or to be part of someones birth story is such a raw look into someone in such an intimate way. When giving birth you can not try to be anyone else but yourself and you see your partner in a whole new way. My husband was a wonderful support through both my labours, but the person who helped me the most was my sister, but unfortunately I pushed her away before my epidural with my daughter as I wanted mine and my husbands first birth to just be us two.

A couple of days before my due date I had started to have contractions on and off, but every time I went to bed, things seemed to stop. I was getting extremely exhausted and frustrated waiting for things to kick off properly. By the Thursday at 40 weeks 4 days my contractions finally started to get regular at about 4 minuets apart and we decided to leave for the hospital once my husband had finished watching football. I was checked over by a midwife and was told I was 2cm dilated and was sent home. At the time my husband didn’t drive so we went back to my sister’s house and I attempted to get some sleep. By 5am things were just getting too uncomfortable so we headed back to hospital where I was checked again and told I was 1cm! How was I managing to go backwards was beyond me and I was feeling really disheartened. The midwife did a horrendous stretch and sweep and I was sent home with some co-codomol. I spent Friday at home bouncing about on my birthing ball, in the bath and trying to get some rest for the impending birth.

37 weeks. I still had 4 weeks left of growing.

By evening I was unable to cope at home and was feeling so much pain in my back that we went back to hospital where I was examined again and was told I was 3cm and I was admitted onto the labour ward. I was desperate for a water birth, but both pools were occupied so I settled for a bath, but I just couldn’t relax and felt like I wanted to walk about. I was told by the midwife that the baby was back to back and with things slowing down again I was moved to the ward and my husband was sent home.

By Saturday morning I was exhausted, fed up and desperate for this baby to be out. We spent the morning walking up and down the stairs and taking many laps of the hospital. I was contracting well, but all in my back so we went back to the ward and I was given pethidine. By evening my husband had to be sent home again and I was crying in the ward feeling defeated and alone. I was given sleeping tablets and co-codamol, but the pain was just horrendous and all I could do was sit upright and try to breath through the pain. At around 3am I tried to force myself to eat some toast, as by this point I hadn’t eaten properly in days. Whilst eating my toast through contractions I had a spider crawl up my neck and had to be saved by a fellow patient who had given birth earlier that day, I was so jealous that she had her baby already and I was still stuck in this state.

Through the early hours of the morning a mum in my ward being observed, who I actually knew from my clubbing days (not how we had spent 3am Sunday morning a few years earlier), sat with me and helped me through my contractions until my husband was able to get to the hospital. I remember my husband calling me at 7am and asking if I wanted a Macdonald’s breakfast, I told him to fuck off and hurry up. My husband arrived at about 8am with my sister and tried to get me to calm down. I was in quiet a state and pethidine hadn’t taken the edge off at all. My sister was finding it very upsetting to see me in so much pain. My contractions came very 2 minuets and felt like someone was snapping my spine in half. I felt let down by the midwives as I was still in the ward with no access to gas and air and they didn’t seem to have the time to help me. At 9am I kicked up a huge fuss and insisted I was having an epidural, which was something I didn’t really want to have. One of the nice midwives checked me and I was still only 3cm dilated, but she phoned delivery suit and told a white lie that I was 4cm. My sister left me and my husband to it and it really started to sink in that we had a baby coming into this world very soon.

Miss J’s first picture

Once up in delivery suit I was quickly prepped for my epidural and I remember them telling me to let them know when I was contracting so they could stop. I can tell you now I didn’t tell them when I was contracting and didn’t move a muscle until that epidural was in. Within 20 minuets I was numb, I was put on a drip to speed things up and I went to sleep for three hours. At 3pm I was checked and was 4cm and they broke my water and I wasn’t checked again until 5pm when I was 10cm. The midwife said that the head still needed to move down so I had another nap until they woke me and told me to push. Two pushes later and about 10 minuets Miss J was born into this world. She was perfect, pink and looked like one of those babies born in soap where they look a good few weeks old already. She weighed a healthy 7ib 13oz and immediately pooed on me. She latched on perfectly at a few minuets old and took her first feed from me. We got a few hours to ourselves in the delivery suit where we took in every second, looking over our beautiful little girl.

The next day we were discharged and we took our beautiful little girl home to start are life as a family of three. Those memories I have us all are so special to me and something I will never forget.

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not fitting into motherhood but letting it fit in with me

Not fitting into motherhood, but letting it fit in with me

As a young girl all I wanted was to become a mother. I had these dreams of how I would embrace motherhood and become this perfect little mummy and house wife to my little family. When I was carrying Miss J I looked up to my own mother, looked at what the latest trends were for changing bags and pushchairs, I read countless articles and aspired to be this perfect mummy that I had imagined in my head.

I tried this motherhood on managed to get it work for the most part. I was pretty good at it and had a child growing up to be the most perfect little girl. When baby number 2 was cooking things started to get a bit messy. I wasn’t so good at getting out, doing the toddler groups, I didn’t have the energy to dress you up perfectly coordinated, I didn’t have time to do all the messy play and baking cakes. Things started to unravel when Mr T arrived into this big wide world and I had a big shock of what it was to look after two small humans.

The realisation of postnatal depression arrived and exposed me like nothing had before. I was feeling, weak, lonely and empty inside and I was no longer the mother I wanted to be. I beat myself up for failing my children and made myself  feel so guilty. I wasn’t fitting into motherhood anymore and I wasn’t sure how to do it again. Things eventually came to a head and I couldn’t look after either of my children in the way they needed.

I had to take a step back and start focusing on myself. I read self-help books, took medication and I got help. Eventually I started to rebuild myself again, but I still wasn’t fitting into motherhood like I did before. My perception had changed and I realised that the mother I was trying to be before wasn’t me.

One day things just clicked, I was a little older, a smidge wiser and a tad more confident. I realised that I didn’t need to fit into motherhood and it needed to fit into me. Why should I pretend to be someone I wasn’t, just to please others and why did I feel I had to do things in a certain way so others didn’t judge.

Things have changed and I’m now a happy mother, which I can now positively say that I’m telling the truth. Mummy now takes more time for herself and she doesn’t try to impress others or care for their opinions. My children are none the wiser and are just happy to see that I am happy. It took some time, but I learnt to own motherhood and make it my own. Don’t ever be anyone, but yourself.

 

 

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