Signs of postnatal depression 

I have had some lovely feedback from people since writing my blog, but one common reaction I get is that they never knew I had postnatal depression as I seemed fine? So many people said they could never have guessed as I was still up and dressed to take my daughter to preschool and I still smiled and said hello. That’s the thing with PND as it’s not something that necessarily shows on the outside, unless you take a closer look. My husband was even surprised when I told him that I needed to get help, but now looking back he says that he wishes he had known more and was able to pick up on it.

I know I am guilty of painting a picture that I am doing fine when inside I am completely consumed and at breaking point. I was even in denial with myself over my illness and refused to accept it until it was nearly too late. I think it is so important for partners, parents and friends to recognize the symptoms and step in when needed. I know my husband now feels guilty that he couldn’t have done something sooner to have helped me.

My Health visitor came to see me at around 6 weeks and did the Edinburgh Scale (EPDS) which is a great resource for getting an idea if you have PND, but for me I wasn’t truthful and lied as I didn’t want her to think badly of me. When I finally admitted I needed help it was EPDS that I found online that helped me realise how bad it was, this led me to finally calling the GP and seeing my Health visitor and asking for help. If I had only been honest at six weeks postpartum with myself my PND journey might not have been so difficult.

Some days I would feel like I was getting a handle on things and stuff wouldn’t be as bad, which dragged me into a false sense of security that I didn’t have PND and I was in fact fine.  PND hits 1 in 7 mothers and is far more common than I ever thought. I was also under the illusion as I hadn’t had it with my oldest then why should I get it this time around?

Some symptoms of PND are below, but you may not have them all:

  •  Feeling sad or low mood.
  • Little interest of doing things you once enjoyed.
  • Lack of energy and feeling tired all the time.
  • Trouble switching off and sleeping at night.
  • Feeling overwhelmed and unable to look after your baby.
  • Problems concentrating and making decisions.
  • Loss of appetite or comfort eating.
  • Feeling agitated and irritable.
  • Feelings of guilt and blaming yourself.
  • Feeling unable to bond with your baby.
  • Thoughts of self-harm or hurting your baby.

 The main signs you may notice in someone are:

  •  Crying for no obvious reason.
  • Withdrawing contact from people.
  • Only taking care of my baby’s basic needs.
  • Loss of sense of humor.
  • Speaking very negatively about themselves.
  • Loss of confidence.

If you are or you know someone struggling please urge them to see the GP or Heath visitor.

Below is the link to the Edinburgh Scale Questionnaire:

http://www.netmums.com/parenting-support/postnatal-depression/postnatal-depression-the-edinburgh-scale



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I’ll get there, I’m just a bit broken.

I will get there eventually, it’s just my road isn’t as straight as others. I will try my hardest, but at times my hardest isn’t good enough. I will still smile and laugh, I’m just not the same as I once was inside. I can’t just get over it, suck it up and get on with it, but I wish I could.

I am a little broken, but I reconise that and I want to get better and work on myself as a person. I am not ashamed of who I am and the struggles I am going through, as they make me who I am. I do need more love and affection than most people need, but I’m lucky enough I have found a partner who is willing to be that person for me.

I am battling, but I’m prepared to fight and get through this.

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Trying to see clearly through the fog of depression and anxiety.

The exhaustion that postnatal depression and anxiety brings is deliberating and consuming. My days at times have merged into one where I get up and do the things I have to do, but I’m not present in the moment, I am detached, I am just running slowly on autopilot. This has made me feel like a terrible mother at times as all I’ve been able to do is focus on the children’s basics needs but nothing more. The antidepressants stop me from feeling any heightened emotions, sure I can feel happy and sad but not in the same way I used to.

Anxiety is such a struggle for me, the way it makes my heart race, sweaty hands and that need to leave the situation immediately. CBT has been so helpful to me but I constantly have to stop myself going back to my old coping mechanisms that hold me back from getting involved and living my life. One of the hardest things I find about anxiety is how exhausting it is, over thinking everything and not being able to sleep which then starts to really negatively effect my mental state.

Depression and anxiety really have controlled my life for so long and have put in so many limitations. I hate how depression has taken away my confidence and made me feel guilty over things I haven’t been able to control. I believe that I am always going to have to fight this battle and that scares the shit out of me. I feel so weak and overwhelmed at times but the rational side of me knows that I am not weak ad I have come so far, but at times that all feels pointless. When my head is ready to explode all I want to do is run away and escape, not permanently, I just want a break from my own mind.

I am still fighting and will continue to fight for my husband and kids as it’s all I know how to do. I mask the pain well to spare them the burden of my problems and even though I feel hopelessly alone at times I know I never will be. I take comfort in the fact i have more good days than bad days now and when I do have a blip it is usually short lived. Please get help if you need it as talking about it does help and if I hadn’t of got help when I did I really don’t know what would of happened to me.

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