borderline personality disorder

Is my personality broken?

I am even more muddled than I had previously thought and after being under the care of the crisis team AGAIN I got to see a psychiatric doctor for the first time. After pouring all my problems out and leaving myself feeling pretty vulnerable and bare I was asked what seemed like a million questions, I could tell she was getting at something when each thing she asked got me to open up more and I could see she had figured me out, which is a first for anyone. Last week I was diagnosed with something new, not only have I got postnatal depression and anxiety I know have a new diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

The words echoed around the room and I wasn’t sure what they even meant. Was my personality broken? Was I neurotic? Was I an attention seeker? My only ever experience of knowing anything about this disorder was from watching girl interrupted as a teenager, which I don’t believe was a particularly accurate depiction of the disorder.

It’s taken a few days to settle in and a fair bit of googling to understand what it really means. As always I have ordered way too many books on my kindle and spent every evening devouring the information so I can understand this disorder as best as possible. The more I have learnt the more I have been able to see that this diagnosis fits me well and is something I have struggled with for a number of years. In a way it’s been a huge relief that I finally know what is actually wrong with me and why I am so impulsive, why I throw things in without much thought or consideration, why I am so self-critical and why I feel my emotions so intensely.

With the diagnoses of borderline personality disorder I’ve had the worry of if I should tell anyone, would I be cast out and judged or could I do what my personality does so well and be impulsive with it and just say fuck it. So here I am borderline personality disorder and all. I plan to get to know and understand this new part of me and break the stigma as well as I can. Now mental illness is such a big part of my life I feel helpless to really blog about much else, seeming as it impacts every aspect of my life.

My personality is not broken, it loves so deeply, feels pain so ferociously, acts impulsively and punishes itself so vengefully. Just like anything else in this world it will make me stronger and I will do it justice in being honest with how it really is.

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22 thoughts on “Is my personality broken?

  1. It is hard to listen to such diagnosis but at the same time, having a name for something you agonize over or experience is probably a good thing. It will help take further steps and even in educating people if you want. There is a lot of ignorance about mental health topics out there. Hugs. #familyfun

  2. Oh wow what a day (and goodness knows how many days after) that must have been. I hope the diagnoses does bring you some relief and perhaps some hope for the future and how you can work and live with it. I wish you all the best. Take care lovey xx thanks for joining us at #familyfun xx
    Tammymum recently posted…#Familyfun…Week 20My Profile

  3. It sounds like it’s a relief to have a name to put to the condition. I had a similar experience with a condition many years ago now – drs not being able to figure it out, or not listening when I said I knew something was wrong. Once there was a proper name for it, I felt like I could define it, and it was not longer as scary. Thank you for talking about it. #thatfridaylinky

  4. What an amazing post to write and I am so glad you finally have the answers you need. I find it’s when we know what we are dealing with we can understand them and move forward. Good luck and I look forward to reading your posts #ThatFridayLinky

  5. Wow, I know nothing about personality disorder, but I would love to learn about it (I’ll be heading over to the link you’ve included on it after!). I cant imagine what a surprise and shock it probably was for you, atlhough perhaps it was a relief too? To have some kind of explanation and reason for how you feel and who you are? I hope it has helped in some way.. You sound like you are really focused on working through this and figuring out what this means for you. I think its great and I’m sure with your mindset and attitude you will 🙂 Thanks for sharing such a personal and honest post on #MarvMondays. Emily
    My Petit Canard recently posted…Expect The Unexpected: Gratitude List #18My Profile

  6. Very brave of you to write such an honest and open post! I love the quote you added at the end. Very true! Wishing you all the best on this road you are traveling. Know that you have much support from fellow blogger friends. ! #globalblogging

  7. It sounds as though you have found some answers in this diagnosis hon and I can imagine that that must be a relief in some ways as you can now better understand why you often feel as you do. I applaud you for sharing your story as mental illness is something that affects so many of us, and the more of us that share our experience the better equipped we all are to fight the stigma and misunderstanding that surrounds it. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us at #DreamTeam. I really admire your strength and positivity. xx
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