I am even more muddled than I had previously thought and after being under the care of the crisis team AGAIN I got to see a psychiatric doctor for the first time. After pouring all my problems out and leaving myself feeling pretty vulnerable and bare I was asked what seemed like a million questions, I could tell she was getting at something when each thing she asked got me to open up more and I could see she had figured me out, which is a first for anyone. Last week I was diagnosed with something new, not only have I got postnatal depression and anxiety I know have a new diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.
The words echoed around the room and I wasn’t sure what they even meant. Was my personality broken? Was I neurotic? Was I an attention seeker? My only ever experience of knowing anything about this disorder was from watching girl interrupted as a teenager, which I don’t believe was a particularly accurate depiction of the disorder.
It’s taken a few days to settle in and a fair bit of googling to understand what it really means. As always I have ordered way too many books on my kindle and spent every evening devouring the information so I can understand this disorder as best as possible. The more I have learnt the more I have been able to see that this diagnosis fits me well and is something I have struggled with for a number of years. In a way it’s been a huge relief that I finally know what is actually wrong with me and why I am so impulsive, why I throw things in without much thought or consideration, why I am so self-critical and why I feel my emotions so intensely.
With the diagnoses of borderline personality disorder I’ve had the worry of if I should tell anyone, would I be cast out and judged or could I do what my personality does so well and be impulsive with it and just say fuck it. So here I am borderline personality disorder and all. I plan to get to know and understand this new part of me and break the stigma as well as I can. Now mental illness is such a big part of my life I feel helpless to really blog about much else, seeming as it impacts every aspect of my life.
My personality is not broken, it loves so deeply, feels pain so ferociously, acts impulsively and punishes itself so vengefully. Just like anything else in this world it will make me stronger and I will do it justice in being honest with how it really is.