Writing about how I feel and be honest is something I have found incredibly difficult since my marriage ended in the summer. I feel like I lost my voice and I needed some privacy, whilst I sorted my own head and feelings, but as time has gone by, things have moved forward, emotionally I have found it difficult not having an outlet. I know I need to write for my own sanity, but having the pressure of coming up with content, that reflects me in my current state, that is honest and true to my blog has felt like a massive burden that I have put off. Today I have decided that I need to take the plunge, stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and do something that I love for myself again.
I don’t want to go into too many details, but since my marriage broke down, the months that followed have been the hardest of my life, but also some of the best too. I know I made the decision for the right reason and although painful, it was inevitable. For me my marriage had been over since my suicide attempt at the end of January, but it took months of discovery to finally realise that it was un-fixable and for my own mental wellbeing I needed to end things. Once you fall out of love with someone I don’t think it is possible to ever get it back. I still have the so much respect for my ex husband and think he’s a wonderful father to our children.
A marriage breakdown is incredibly hard and co-parenting children is its own battlefield. With the best intentions of keeping things amicable it’s not been easy for either of us at times and we have pushed each other to the limits. I hope now that we do keep moving forward and keep things amicable for our beautiful children, that we will always share together.
Another big thing to happen in the last few months is to date again, which with two children comes with its own challenges. The right time to date again after a relationship breaks down is different for everyone and I am the first to admit I did move on quickly, but like I have said before I had fallen out of love and hoped to just get back out their and date again. I haven’t dated since I was 20 and I would quickly get bored and move on, but I also found it lots of fun meeting new people and going out for drinks and meals. I took the plunge and went on a date with a guy who I had been messaging and it really was the best thing to happen to me last year. I have met someone who adores me and my children and makes me want to better myself. I now feel like I have a team-mate and someone I can be honest with and doesn’t judge me.
I am well aware for anyone to have a relationship with me isn’t always easy (hats off to my ex for dealing with me at my rock bottom, I do give credit when due), so to find someone who is accepting and wants to understand me better is rare and beautiful. I have borderline personality disorder (also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder), so as a person in a relationship I know I can be pretty draining at times and hard to understand (romantically and also in friendships). My emotions at times can be all over the place, but with the help of DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) things are far easier to manage than before. I have DBT as a group therapy for two hours a week, which involves lots of homework. I am learning new skills that I am now able to put into practice and although not easy, it is so rewarding being able to see how far I have come in such a short space of time. I still have months ahead of DBT to complete, but I am hoping it’s something I can stick with and I can change for the positive.
Since November I have been getting extra support from the childrens centre and also the health visitor, who have been able to help find me resources and advice that I have needed for the various things going on in my life. I was visited today and after a crappy couple of weeks I was feeling on the teary side, but thinking back now to the conversations we had I think I should be pretty proud of myself. I was reminded constantly today of the various things I have done for myself and children to make our life easier, the extra support I have asked for and my proactive attitude I have had. The problems I have had I have actually managed to fix myself with little help. I have not only been meeting my childrens basic needs, but I have also been meeting their emotional needs. My children are given cuddles, read to, played with and reassured, which may seem small, but those selfless actions help shape them and make them feel secure. I was today reminded of something that I often forget, that despite everything else I am a really good mother to my children and they are loved.
Reflecting back on these last few months I have grown so much and managed to go through an incredible hard things, yet stay positive for the most part. Things are far from perfect and I am forever battling with myself, but I know I am getting things right and I am progressing and learning on the way. I am going to keep writing for me and doing something that I love. I am doing the best I can and that is ok. Leaving 2017 I do have regrets for how I handled certain things and people I upset, but for my own wellbeing I can’t keep dwelling and I just have to accept, learn and now move on to a better 2018.