The Baby Behind The Blog – #THELITTLEONE Tag

The Baby Behind The Blog – #THELITTLEONE Tag

Thank you to Lianne from  Mrs Mummy Harris for the tag.

An in depth interview with the one and only baby Mr T, son of The Muddled Mother. Lets talk popping, breastfeeding and Peppa Pig.

WHAT’S THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING 22 MONTHS OLD?

Life’s pretty good at this age if I’m honest, I can walk if I fancy it, still get pushed around if I don’t and mummy is always more than happy to carry me too.

… AND WHAT’S THE WORST THING?

When I run off, mummy runs after me and picks me up. Sometimes I just want independence then other times I want to be a baby.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE TOY?
This is a hard one. It’s a close call between my Peppa Pig toys and my cars. I love Cars and I say the world to mummy all day long as she loves to hear it.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO DO?

Besides doing big poo’s it’s probably eating. I watched a dog once sitting by someones feet whilst eating and they got fed, so I now do it and it works a charm.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO WEAR?
Mummy really likes dressing me up and I especially love my rainbow leggings. I like to wear wellies with everything, even just a nappy. I’m also a fan of being a nudist, but apparently it’s no acceptable to run naked into your sister’s room and pee on her Barbie.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE SONG?
Wind the bobbin up is pretty banging tune, I’ve got the dance moves down for that one.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD?
I love a good roast dinner with plenty of gravy. I’m obsessed with bacon and have also learnt how to say it whilst making ‘mmmm’ sounds. I know it might be a little controversial at my age, but I’m still necking the boob milk before bed, that stuff really knocks me out, I get tit faced most nights.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE THING TO WATCH ON TV?
When mums blogging she lets me watch some TV, my favs are probably Shimmer and Shine and Paw Patrol. If I’m allowed by my big sister my favourite film is Minions.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE BOOK?
I love Postman Bear by Julia Donaldson, those flaps to lift are crazy fun.

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
I laugh when I fart really loudly, that never gets boring. I find peek a boo pretty hilarious, I’m sure I’m a wizard or something as I actually disappear when I hold that pillow up, it’s pretty intense.

WHO DO YOU LOVE, AND WHY?
I love my mummy as she gives me the best, squezzy cuddles. I love daddy as he tickles me and I love Jazzy as she has the best toys to play with. I’ve also got a girlfriend called Belle, she’s a bit older than me, but she gets me.

If you’d like to learn more about where this little one series came from you can visit The Secret Life Of Baby.

I am tagging Emma over at Mummy Em and Hana over at DIY Nappy Wielding Bride

#THELITTLEONE

#babybehindtheblog

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mothers day

To my wonderful mum on Mothers Day

Mother Goose you have taught me everything about being a mum and I will always be grateful for your love and support you have shown me. I know at times you don’t understand me and my actions confuse you, but I know you are always seeing the best in me, even when I can’t see it in myself.

Since becoming a mother almost five years ago I now know how hard it really is. They say you never truly appreciate your mother until you become one and I believe this is true. Telling me your labours were like being constipated with some period pains and they were over and done with quickly wasn’t helpful and I often doubt if you must have forgotten how bad it really was. You love to tease me about what hard work of it I made it, when you were the natural earth mother who sneezed and popped a baby out. You’ve always had a way of making it all look so much easier than I know it truly is. I will never understand how you kept a big house so tidy with two small children and an even more demanding man-child (don’t tell dad I called him that).

I believe I share your core values and I parent the way I do because of you. You were one of the original ‘attachment parents’ before it even was a thing. You didn’t wean us until we were six months of age which was unheard of in the 80’s, you breastfed on demand without a care in the world about other people’s opinions and I know you spent many an hour rocking me to sleep and never letting me cry it out. I love your beliefs, your passion and values you have as a parent and I love the grandma you have become to my little two. Your ability to never say no to my children is pretty amazing and must be exhausting at times.

Thank you for showing me how to breastfeed, not judging me when I had to use formula and for supporting me through the difficult early days until I had established a routine. Thank you for teaching me to breastfeed in public and not give two hoots what anyone else was thinking. If it wasn’t for you I’m certain I would have given up in those early days. Thank you for listening to me cry over the phone when I tirelessly struggled to get Miss J to sleep in her own bed, night after night. Thank you for looking after my children on Fridays so I can work and thank you even more for the occasional over night stays so I get to still have a life outside my home. Thank you for teaching me how to make an amazing roast dinner, your gravy is still always better than mine.

One of my favourite memories as a child with you was the day that just me and you went to Argos to get my new Barbie and Shelley set with the pushchair and we went down to the river to have lunch and you let me get her out the box to play. I remember so clearly how you would take me to the Library once a week and let me pick a book, how we went in on the bus together on our own little adventures. We had some amazing trips out as kids on the bus to Wickstead and by train to Brighton, me and my sister never missed out on anything and always had the best girls days out. I hope i’m making it up to you by taking you out for our ladies days out with plenty of wine.

Once I reached twelve I had not only over taken you in shoe size, but also height and I became protective of you. You were my little mummy and I always had your back. We had our fights and arguments, especially through the teenage years and I know you were confused with what to do with me at times, but I hope you can now look back and see you did a good job as I am just doing fine.

You have been the best mother I could have asked for and an equally fantastic nanny. You have supported me through so much and even as I approach 30 I know you still we always be by my side and hold my hand when I need you most. I respect your work ethic, your patience and your confidence that you give to life every day. You really are an inspiring lady and if everyone was like you as a mother, this world would be a much better place.

I will always be your baby daughter, your little girl and your friend. I will be with you, by your side until the end and I hope to make you prouder everyday we have together. I love you mum and I am eternally grateful that I have been lucky enough to have you as my mum. Your soul is beautiful and your love is kind and thank you for helping me become the amazing mother I am today to my children.

I love you Mother Goose xoxox

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Accepting the past and moving forward

Like many people do I do struggle with accepting the past, my mistakes and the whole what I could have done differently struggle in my head. It’s human nature for us to over analyse and wish that we could change things. I for one have a few things from my past I wish I could change, mistakes I wish I hadn’t made and people I wish I hadn’t hurt through my actions. I am very aware that I am not perfect, will never be perfect and will probably still make mistakes in my future. I am trying to learn to let go of anger and sadness that my past has caused me and move on with my life in a positive and happier way. I have a tendency to beat myself up and be very hard on myself, especially when it comes down to my parenting, but for me to be a better parent I need to learn to let go of these feelings.

Postnatal depression was a real kick in the teeth for me after years of working to be the best parent I could possibly be to my first born. I took the diagnoses as a criticism of my parenting and was incredibly hard on myself. The guilt manifested and made the problem much worse, but at the time I couldn’t see that. I know I haven’t been the best parent at times, but then I also know that I loved them dearly and did the best I could in the situation I was in at the time. We are our own worst enemies at times and often our worst critics. Anyone looking through my Facebook or Instagram at the time of my diagnosis would never have guessed anything was wrong and would have been led to believe I had a happy, perfect little family. Social media and our outside face is not a true depiction of reality and we need to remember that we are not alone in our struggles. Everyone I know closely in life has their own struggles, battles and issues daily, as does everyone in the world. We need to be more conscious and forgiving of this. Someone’s actions one day don’t always depict a true reflection on an individual. Usually when we feel attacked in any way we become defensive and push that onto someone else, we criticise others, compare ourselves to others and even try to out do each other.

I am gradually learning to let go of my past. I am no longer blaming myself for things I can no longer change. I am giving myself a blank slate and starting fresh in a happier, more stable and positive mind-set.  I am a great parent, a loving wife, a loyal sister and a wonderful friend. The people I surround myself with are people I love, they understand me and they do not judge me. I have learnt to let go of friendships that are one-sided and others that are toxic. I accept others for their flaws and work my best at understanding their flaws as I hope they do with me.

Accepting the past and moving forward

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How i'm learning to accept my personality disorder

How i’m learning to accept my personality disorder

Recently I’ve been asked how I’ve been able to be so accepting of my borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I’ve sat back and thought openly on why I have accepted it and why I haven’t let it destroy anymore of my life. The answer is I have accepted it as for me a diagnosis was almost a relief to know why I acted this way, why I was so emotional unstable and why I was so impulsive. I’m not saying I love this diagnosis or I am happy to be like this, but finally in my life I feel I’ve learnt to understand a big part of my personality.

Borderline personality disorder has ruled my life since I was a teenager, but like many people I was unaware, I just assumed I was just a really emotional person and even at times I was a bad person. The thing with borderline personality disorder it’s not always bad, I feel emotions really intensely the good and the bad. At times in my life I have felt such overpowering, wonderful emotions of happiness and love. I have at times cried happy tears and have felt so happy, I feel euphoric and like I can do anything I put my mind too. The other side is that at times I feel the lowest of the low and have intrusive and suicidal thoughts, but now I know that I have borderline personality disorder I do know that these mood instabilities are only temporary and they will even back out again.

Like most people with BPD I also deal with depression and anxiety. These disorders are all separate, but are strongly linked together and play a big part. Before I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after the birth of my second child my anxiety had already been causing massive issues for me throughout my pregnancy. Once my son was born it was quite apparent that the PND was making my borderline personality disorder worse. At the time I had no idea that I had borderline personality disorder, but looking back I was emotionally very unstable and would sit holding my son feeling a rush of love and crying with happiness to then feeling resentment towards him and complete detachment. It was an emotional rollercoaster and it all came to head this January when I tried to end my life. I have now started to recognise my triggers, which unfortunately I cannot avoid, but I  can understand a little better why my symptoms of BPD are getting worse at times.

Most people also assume like I once did that BPD was for life and that you could never be treated for it. Only twenty odd years ago BPD was thought to be a lifelong condition with no treatment. BPD sufferers have a high suicide rate, around 1 in 10 people and for someone who suffers with it I can see why that number is so high. The most effective treatment for BPD is dialectic behavioural therapy (DBT) which was created in the late 1980’s. DBT works in a similar way to cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) which works well for anxiety and depression. DBT in a nutshell is about accepting yourself as you are and making positive changes in your life. I won’t go into much more detail because if I am honest I really don’t know enough about it yet, as I am yet to start sessions. Knowing that there is a form of treatment does give me hope.

BPD has been a large contributing factor in me sabotaging goals in my life and that is why I have to write about it, as it is such an important therapy for me. Not only does it help me deal with my feelings, it potentially helps someone else, raises awareness and also keeps me focussed on a goal. So yes, I am accepting BPD as I have hope that one day I can say that I no longer have it and that I have overcome it.

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Little moments of happiness – week 5

I’m feeling pretty rubbish right now, with a horrible cold and anxiety creeping in. I’m feeling pretty unmotivated and not really wanting to focus on my blog or writing ‘little moments of happiness’. Why it’s important to still do this is that It keeps me focused and will hopefully make me reflect on my past week in a more positive way, so that I can look forward to a more positive week. It’s so important for us not just to care about our body, but also our mind, and my mind needs some extra care right now. So onto this weeks little moments of happiness .

  • Miss J impressed me this week with a handwritten birthday list of friends she wants to ask to her 5th birthday party. She asked how to spell everyone’s name, but it was written perfectly and it must have taken her lots of concentration.
  • Miss J’s teacher this week also told me how quickly she was progressing with her reading. This is so important for me as I know she’s an intelligent girl, but struggles to stay focussed just like I did at her age.
  • Mr T has started to put two words together and he’s all of a sudden stopped being a baby and become a toddler. He’s becoming quite the little chatterbox.
  • I smashed a class of 20/20/20 at the gym even when I thought I would pass out half way through the legs section.
  • A beautiful spring walk and lunch around the marina with a friend. Unfortunately it was still pretty muddy and my pushchair is in a much needed hose down. Mr T also slept the whole walk and I could have adult conversation.
  • A tasty Italian meal out for my mothers 62nd birthday. We stayed in the restaurant till pass 9pm and BOTH children were still happy and behaving.

Reading back through this and racking my brain I already feel a little better about my snotty week. I am still full of snot, can’t breath through my nose, but I will survive and make another week of little happy memories.

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The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

The little lost girl and finding herself through postnatal depression

I have grown up always feeling like the little girl lost. I sometimes wonder if it’s through the way I’ve grown up, my personality or is it because of my borderline personality disorder. I spent my teenage years constantly trying to fit in and be some body I wasn’t, which I think is normal, even if it doesn’t feel it at the time, but as an adult I thought one day I would wake up and know what I was supposed to do. All minds are complex as our emotions, but my own mind I have struggled to understand and my emotions have always be chaotic and sometimes just unpredictable. Some days I have woken up not knowing what personality I will be that day.

I have bobed along for so long and done what I thought was expected of me. I have been happy, sad, excited and suicidal. I have loved life and hated life. I have had my heart-broken and I have loved with all my soul. I have understood the meaning of unconditional love and felt the pain of losing someone too young. I have lived, sometimes just surviving and I have been so lost of who I really am. Any dream I had ever imagined had always been crushed and I eventually learnt it was best not to dream.

I have always been good at seeing both sides of the story and can empathise with people whole heartedly. But at times I still feel like I should just follow the path that’s expected of me and not push past into the unknown. Since Mr T was born and having postnatal depression it has made me see my life in a new light. Going through hell and back I have questioned many things about life, my beliefs, my values and have worked hard at self-improvement. I don’t want to be the person I was programmed to me and want to be able to give more and get more out of life.

I am blessed to have met a husband who understands me and accepts me for all my flaws. He makes me stronger as I make him stronger, we are so different, but have the same ideas about life. He has opened my eyes and made me see things through a different perspective. He is the only man in my life who I have complete respect for as I know he has always had my best interests at heart.

Growing up I feel I haven’t been able to channel my energy well which left me as a teenager rebelling badly. I wasn’t just a naughty teenager I was off the rails for a few years. Into my adult life I continued to be reckless and often put myself in dangerous situations. I was just lost in life and didn’t know what to do with myself or what I wanted out of it. I was always desperate for a family, but besides that I had never looked at what would happen after that.

Getting pregnant with Miss J was the moment it all changed for me. I had always wanted the family life, the husband, the house, the children and the cat. I got it, I had what I had always wanted, but with the birth of my second and my tendency to self-sabotage anything that goes well, things started to become testing and I lost myself for a while. Postnatal-depression made me reevaluate my life and eventually figure out who I needed to become.

Mr T is almost 2 years old and I have now learnt how to be the mother of two children, have a work/life balance and let go of the expectations of me. I have learned to appreciate my children, not stress about the small stuff and to always have a dream. My dreams and goals may have changed a little over the years, but they still involve the same people and I am now certain that I can make these dreams come true.

I was lost for so long and now I am found. My story has many chapters left and I dream endlessly about the outcome. Postnatal depression sent me to hell and back, almost killed me, but it also woke me up to life, taught me to appreciate how precious every moment is and how we should not just exist and waste time. Everyday is a new day to grow and learn and I am thankful for that, I am thankful for life.

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Ladies day out in London - B-bakery afternoon tea bus tour

Ladies day out in London – B-bakery afternoon tea bus tour

Last week I was lucky enough to get into London and enjoy a lovely day out with my mum and sister, enjoying afternoon tea and some sightseeing. More often than not I get too busy and my days are taken up with the children and our days are focused on keeping them entertained. After a rocky few months I have been making an effort to do more things for myself again and thought it would a good opportunity to spend some quality time with my mum and sister.

My sister works in London so me and my mum caught the train into London to meet her for midday from work. My sister made the suggestion of a lovely Italian called Harry’s pizzeria in Black Friars and it was even warm enough to enjoy our meal outside. We enjoyed some pizza and people watching and started planning our route to take around London for the day. If I’m honest I still get a bit nervous around London and getting lost. Anyone who knows me well, will know that I often end up getting lost when driving and I’m not much better with trains. I managed to get lost getting home from my daughters swimming lesson the other day around 3 miles from my house, my daughter even tells me to get the sat nav out and has learnt her left and right from it at around 2 years old.

Harry's pizzeria, Black Friars, London
Harry’s pizzeria, Black Friars, London

As the weather was so nice and we had time, we decided to walk down the Thames and enjoy the sights on our way to Trafalgar Square. I managed to get some great pictures and work up an appetite for our afternoon tea bus tour. I’ve done many afternoon teas in the past and love nothing more than tea and cake, so as you can imagine I was really excited to try this out and loved the quirkiness of having a tour around London at the same time. I loved the vintage look to the bus and how well done it all was, even the tiniest details really made it such an amazing experience. Even if the bus didn’t move it still would have been magical. The staffs were friendly and efficient and the cakes, omg the cakes were just amazing. We had so much lovely food to eat and plenty of tea in our tummies and still had left overs to take home in a little box. The tour was so much fun and you felt a little bit like a celebrity with everyone eager to snap pictures of the bus as it passed by. I’ve promised my daughter that when she’s five I will take her along. Booking information for B-Bakery is here, they also have a bakery you can visit in Covent Garden and do afternoon tea cruise tours.

B-Bakery Afternoon Tea Bus Tour
B-Bakery Afternoon Tea Bus Tour
The amazing scones B-bakery bus tour
The scones were amazing

Following on from amazing afternoon tea and some very full tummies we headed off to the pier for our city cruise sightseeing tour. We sat on the top deck and enjoyed listening to our extremely funny tour guide. The pictures I got were fab and it was lovely to see the city from a different angle. I found the tour informative, staff helpful and toilet facilities on board much better than any public London toilet. Prices for tickets are very reasonable and snacks and drinks on board are good for London prices. Check out their website and see the different option available, book tickets here

City Cruises Sightseeing Tour

The day went perfectly and I’m already planning my next trip into London for wine and cheese tasting.

*I received services and products for free in this blog post to review. All opinions are my own and are honest*

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Little moments of happiness

Little moments of happiness week 4

I’ve neglected my weekly post of little moments of happiness for the last few weeks as I have been a bit busy, I’ve also been really happy and haven’t felt the need for it. It is an important way for me to stay focused, so i’m back to writing it as we all know moods go up and down and it’s a good habit to get into. Little moments of happiness this week will reflect over the last three weeks, as it’s been a really exciting time for me.

  • I went away and spent some quality time with myself. Having a chance to reflect and be me again, did me the world of good.
  • Mr T has finally started talking to me. He’s stopped crying as much as is trying to communicate with me. It’s so rewarding to finally hear him ask for his drink or a cuddle.
  • I was tagged in a post for Internal Women’s day by the amazing Diaries of a diddy dictator, for being inspirational. It was the most overwhelmingly lovely post I’ve been tagged in for a long time. Thank you.
  • I went back to the gym after putting it off for weeks and felt so amazing afterwards. I’ll be back at it again this week.
  • I got my work mojo back. I finally feel settled back into work and feel like I am taking charge and doing my job well. It’s good to be back.
  • I had the most amazing afternoon tea in London with my mum and sister, We saw some amazing sights and laughed away the whole day. A blog post will be up in the next couple of days.
  • Miss J has been working so hard on her reading and read me the most lovely story the other day. She’s growing up so quickly and is such a wonderful little girl.

I will be taking note of all the little moments of happiness I had had in the next week to stay motivated and positive.

 

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Keeping a positive mind-set is not easy and something I've always struggle with. I have learnt over the last few months skills through CBT on how to keep positive and not let the negative thoughts take over.

Shutting down the negative thoughts

Keeping a positive mind-set is not easy and something I’ve always struggle with. I have learnt over the last few months skills through CBT on how to keep positive and not let the negative thoughts take over. For some reason us humans especially women often hear a negative thought in our heads and never think to question it and we perceive it as fact. With CBT you learn to question these thought and recognise them, as sometimes they are so quick it’s hard to even pin point them until you become aware. When ever I have a negative thought like for example ‘I’m a rubbish mum’ What I do is question it, what is the evidence that I am a rubbish mum? How can I disprove it? It’s working wonders for my mind-set and it has shown me my life through a new set of eyes.

On Thursday I went to a workshop at The British Library in London ‘Turn your passion into pounds’ hosted by Vicki from the multi award-winning blog www.honestmum.com and Jessica Huie (MBE) a PR goddess. The evening was packed full of useful information and the panel of ladies giving advice was 5 star. It was so lovely to hear the passion in these ladies voices, whilst they told us their stories of how they started up on their own and became a success in their own right.

I left buzzing with excitement about the prospects of my website and blog, how I plan to grow it and how I can make it work for me. I have been thinking heavily on the workshop and why I have always had such a limited view of my abilities. I am forever questioning myself, when the only person who is holding me back is me. I am constantly held back by my own self-doubt, fear of failure and other people’s perceived opinions of me, but if I don’t try I have just failed anyway, so sod it, lets give it a go.

I will be continuing to push myself out of my comfort zone and not let the negative thoughts try to ruin my dreams. I’m passionate about what I do and want to help people, whilst I help myself to overcome mental illness obstacles, that limit me from achieving not only normal day to day things, but also my dreams. Any negative thought you have, shut it down, don’t believe it and do what you want to do. Life is too short and too difficult as it is without listening to these horrible little negative voices in our heads. We own our own happiness and we have the tools to succeed in life.

My aspiration is to have a website full of motivational posts, help and advice on postnatal depression and reviews from products I actually love and enjoy. I am ready to go and I am no longer scared of the prospects of my future.

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Six months into blogging - Where am I now?

Six months into blogging – Where am I now?

The Muddled Mother is officially six months old today and these last six months have been a bit of a rollercoaster. I started my blog initially as a way to just write down what I was feeling and to try and make sense of it all through my battle with postnatal depression. I honestly had never thought about blogging before or really even read any other blogs myself. I thought of myself as pretty basic with my writing skills and knew I was pretty useless with my grammar and spelling (I’m sorry, I am trying). After publishing my first post I was actually shocked it was getting read and even commented on and decided to show a couple of my closest friends. The feedback I was getting was so overwhelming, positive and I actually felt good about myself for the first time in a long time. I got brave and decided to write a couple more posts and then decided to go public over Facebook. It was a huge leap for me to be so open and honest about my struggles, but I felt comfort that people could resonate with how I was feeling and I got plenty of messages from old friends, new friends and strangers who pushed me to become open about my struggles.

Blogging has been tough for me as it has left me rather exposed and has made me delve deeper into my own mind, this has left me emotionally exhausted at times and has caused me to have a couple of breakdowns and being put under hospital care. I have faced it all now and finally have the tools in place to get better. I have had problems with my mental health since my teenage years and writing about it has helped me open up and not supress these emotions. I think my postnatal depression was basically everything I had supressed for years finally exploding and I had to finally deal with it.

In January after another breakdown and visit to hospital I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. To have this mental illness labelled on me was pretty scary and something I knew nothing about, but with time, reading and understanding I have accepted it. The diagnoses does actually make sense to me and I am learning skills to deal with it, so I can make my life easier. I am optimistic about the future and have decided my mental illness with not define me.

These last six months I have learnt so much about myself, the good and the bad. I have a new found respect for anyone dealing with mental illness and have become much more open minded. I’m pretty happy with the person I am becoming and plan to continue working in a positive way to help lift the stigma around mental illness.

So six months in and I now have a DA score of 20 (this won’t mean much unless you are a blogger), which I am so happy with. I’m around 715 in Tots 100 as of last month and I have over 3000 followers across social media. I am happy with these stats, but I still have plenty to improve on. I try and average out 2 blog posts a week plus one review, which I find doable and not too stressful. If I don’t want to write for a few days or a want a week off then I do. I am starting to do reviews which I really love doing as it’s part of one of my skills in my proper job and to get paid to do it is always a massive bonus.

The next six months I have many other plans for my job and will hopefully starting the tax year with a self-employed income. I will continue writing about mental illness, my struggles, parenting and hopefully a few more recipes (one of my other skills from my work). I am still considering possibly doing a little bit of vlogging toy reviews with Miss J.

Thank you everyone who has taken the time to read my blog, comment and share. Your support, kindness and understanding has meant so much to me. Here is to the next six months!

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