dementor

My dementors back and he’s an a**hole.

My dementors back and he’s an a**hole, his ugly, negative presence has done everything he can to suck any life which I have inside me and to leave me in fear as a shell of myself. This blog post is difficult to write, I am not writing this for pity or attention, I am writing this to be honest, stop stigma and raise awareness. This is me in my most vulnerable state and if you don’t want to read it, then don’t as your negative opinions mean nothing to me and will never be as strong as the negative opinions I’ve had of myself.

I’m usually pretty organised with my prescriptions, but on the Friday I had realised I didn’t have any box’s left of my antidepressants and I was completely out. I always take them in the evenings so I was unable to call the Dr’s by the time I  realised. I went online and went to order a repeat prescription, but was unable to as I was due a prescription review. I waited until Monday when the Dr’s reopened and called as early as I could and after a long time on hold I booked a call back from the Dr. I didn’t get a call so phoned again Tuesday morning and got a call back a couple of hours, but didn’t get to my phone in time. I phoned straight back, but again didn’t get a call until Wednesday after spending an hour on hold. this had meant that I had gone over five days without a prescription and was feeling completely on edge. I had, had an awful cold and cough for over a week and hadn’t slept for a week by this point. I was going through withdrawal from a high dose of antidepressants and was ignored when I begged for help. I have since found out I could have gone to a pharmacy with my box and got a five-day emergency prescription (if only I had known).

I had already been struggling a fair bit over the last few weeks as the counselling I had been having had bought up some stuff I had suppressed a few years previous and not dealt with at the time. I should have worked through these feelings, but I felt too scared to carry on and stopped my counselling straight away. This has then lead to major anxiety and night terrors, so any quality of sleep I was getting was poor.

Four weeks ago I went back to the IAPT service and referred myself back to counselling so I could start to work through these problems, as I had realised I had to face them head on otherwise my sleep and wellbeing would continue to suffer and these feelings of anxiety and depression would just keep manifesting in every aspect of my life. what I though would happen, happen and I  am unfortunately still waiting for my phone call for my initial appointment.

Between me going through withdraw and unable to get my medication and the long wait with no mental support, I had hit a crisis. I went back to my Dr’s and was referred to the CRISIS team at hospital and have been having daily visits from a dr. my first visit where I was an emotional and exhausted wreck was within 3 hours of that call. I’m not sure how I would have survived without there support.

I won’t go into details as I’m still very much in the middle of it all but I am now back on my medication, plus three others to keep me calm and to help me sleep, but I am getting the support I need and these Dr’s have done everything to keep me at home with my family, whilst I keep battling.

This honestly has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through and even writing, which has been my main salvation has not helped. I’ve had countless offers of  support and kindness of which I am grateful for, but unless I find the strength in myself I am not going to get better. I’m hoping that after a good few nights sleep, without terrible nightmares, I will be back with some energy behind me to fight through this again.

This will not beat me permanently, it will not take away my family, my job, my friends. I know I am stronger than that I’m just too tired to fight it just yet. until that time comes I will rest, take care of myself, my wellbeing and mend my broken wings ready for the fight.

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

I have postnatal depression and I’m not ashamed

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26 thoughts on “My dementors back and he’s an a**hole.

  1. JK Rowling nailed it with her descriptions of dementors xx I hope you are feeling better soon and find your patronus. It is hard as hell xx sharing helps I hope #bigpinklink

  2. This choked me up. I cannot say I understand what you are going through, but I hope you know how inspiring you are to write about it and raise awareness. I really, really hope you find your strength again very soon, you are truly amazing. I will be thinking of you, keep us updated xx #bigpinklink

  3. I am sure even if we haven’t been affected personally by depression we all know of someone who has – I do and I empathise with your scenario. The brain is a complex beast which in terms of crisis needs tender love and care. I hope that you work through your issues and there is a brighter light at the end of the tunnel. #bigpinklink

  4. We have been in the same boat lately, you and I. I lost my insurance and ran out of my meds and could not afford more. Things started to get pretty hairy for me. Just managed to get some samples a few days ago and an injection. woot. The foul, sedating, but truly needful stuff is just now beginning to kick in. Symptoms receding. I wish the same for you soon. Sleep. Sleep is indispensable. So sry to hear you’ve been getting practically nil. A dark passage but like you said it won’t break you, and the only constant is change, so something will give. #GlobalBlogging

  5. I am sorry to read that you are struggling at the moment. You sharing it in this post is really inspiring though and I am sure will help lots of other people who are going through similar. I am quite cross that you were not not able to get support from the Doctor straight away though. Sometimes the systems seem to fail us when we need them most. However, it seems like you are now getting lots of support which is fantastic. Sending you lots of hugs and thinking of you xxxx #FamilyFun

  6. I can’t even imagine what this must have been like for you. Well done for getting it down on ‘paper’. I hope that you slowly get back out of this dark time. It must be so hard but it’s great to hear you have got some support. Your readers are all here to listen if you need to share again x #FamilyFun

  7. Oh good on you for writing this. It must have been so hard. It is the hardest battle we fight and it takes so much personal strength. I can’t believe you were unable to get help for so many days. I wish you nothing but the best theough tour journey and that you can fight your dementors soon. Writing this and raising awareness is a wonderful thing and I admire you for being able to do it. Thank you so much for sharing this at #familyfun

  8. It must be so hard to struggle with this. Glad the support is there for you now even if they didn’t help as quickly as you needed. Keep writing like this, more people need to be more open and honest about mental health. I hope you got some much needed sleep? Take care Karen x Thanks for linking up to #FamilyFun.

  9. Sending an enormous amount of love to you, and healing for your broken wings-you have the strength there, you have said that you won’t be beaten, I hope that the coming days see you growing stronger and stronger. It’s funny, I have written about suffering from anxiety and depression before, and also likened it to Dementors. They are such an accurate description of everything that these awful illnesses do to a person. A sudden drop in your meds dosage must also have been incredibly hard (I didn’t know about getting an emergency prescription either,) I did the same thing once, and ran out, and had diarrhoea, mood swings, dizziness, electric shocks in my head, it was awful. It sounds like you aren’t getting the support that you need from the health care professionals, but I think mental health has always been largely mis-managed, and poorly treated. Well done for being so brutally honest, you are doing a good job at helping de-stigmatise. Let us know how you are getting on xx
    #bigpinklink

  10. You are such a strong and brave woman to share your story and create awareness for those that might come across this post! I can’t begin to understand what you are going through but know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! An inspiring piece of writing! Thank you! #globalblogging

  11. Beaming light over to you right now. I can understand how a set back of trying to get your prescription and having to wait and wait can really have a knock on effect. Keep hanging in there. Thank you for sharing such a raw post with the #dreamteam this week. xx

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