My goals 2017

My goals for 2017

For the first time in a long time I am finally feeling like I’m in a good place and I am ready to set myself some goals to complete throughout the year. Postnatal depression and anxiety has made me extremely reliant on friends and family to get out and about and I have found it almost impossible to do things on my own or with just my children. Even a trip to the local supermarket with my anxiety can be extremely overwhelming, but I’m ready to put my big girl pants on and start fighting back, so I can stop being limited enjoying my life. There is no better time than now for me to grab the world by the balls and start doing stuff for me again. I’m back in control of my life and will not be forced to sit on the sidelines anymore.

I am terrible for cancelling last minuet and it isn’t because I’m a bad friend it’s because of my anxiety. I over think every aspect of doing something, however small and find it so overwhelming and exhausting that I avoid it and hide away. This just makes things harder for me to get out the next time and stops me from doing something I probably would have enjoyed. The worse part is I feel my children miss out on so many lovely things because of my avoidance behaviour.

  • The first of my goals I’ve committed myself to is to see the lovely Vicki from Honest Mum at ‘Turn your passion into pounds‘ workshop in London. I’m so looking forward to doing this and planning to spent the day in London before to enjoy exploring. Going by train is something that has always caused me anxiety over the fear of getting lost and London I find quiet overwhelming, but I do love London and want to get out and explore.
  • I’ve been asked a few times to guest host, which is something I was very nervous about doing. I’ve always doubted myself and thought my content wouldn’t be good enough. I have now written my first guest post for mummyitsok and two more to write for two other amazing bloggers.
  • I am planning some trips with the children to go to some new places we haven’t been to before, not just for their benefit, but also for mine. It’s time to make some wonderful memories with these children of mine.
  • I really want to spend a weekend away with my husband. We haven’t stayed away anywhere since our honeymoon where I was 18 weeks pregnant and had terrible morning sickness. We’ve been married six years this August and I’m determined to do something with my wonderful husband.
  • I ended the year by joining the gym in November and I am happy to report (besides a Christmas break) that I am still going and enjoying the classes. I plan to keep doing this and would like to go at least twice a week. I had a real fear of going to the gym as I was scared of how unfit I actually was and how stupid I would look, but I’ve found it so rewarding and something I am honestly enjoying.
  • I would like a family holiday, if possible and if finances permit. I’m quiet happy for just a little break in England, but would love a trip for us together as a family.
  • Last year I started this blog at a very low point of my life through postnatal depression and I honestly didn’t think anyone would read it. Blogging has been amazing for my confidence and something I’m enjoying so much. Blogging isn’t just about writing good content and it takes up hours of my time each week, I’ve had to learn so much and still have so much more to learn, but I am keen to carry on and hopefully make my blog somewhere that people will want to keep coming back to.
  • I have a bad habit for starting to read books, but not completing them, This year one of my goals is to read at least one new book and month and finish it.
  • I am very keen to learn more about mindfulness and make it a part of my everyday life. After suffering with PND I’ve realised how important it is to look after you mind.

Wish me luck with my 2017 goals!

 

 

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not fitting into motherhood but letting it fit in with me

Not fitting into motherhood, but letting it fit in with me

As a young girl all I wanted was to become a mother. I had these dreams of how I would embrace motherhood and become this perfect little mummy and house wife to my little family. When I was carrying Miss J I looked up to my own mother, looked at what the latest trends were for changing bags and pushchairs, I read countless articles and aspired to be this perfect mummy that I had imagined in my head.

I tried this motherhood on managed to get it work for the most part. I was pretty good at it and had a child growing up to be the most perfect little girl. When baby number 2 was cooking things started to get a bit messy. I wasn’t so good at getting out, doing the toddler groups, I didn’t have the energy to dress you up perfectly coordinated, I didn’t have time to do all the messy play and baking cakes. Things started to unravel when Mr T arrived into this big wide world and I had a big shock of what it was to look after two small humans.

The realisation of postnatal depression arrived and exposed me like nothing had before. I was feeling, weak, lonely and empty inside and I was no longer the mother I wanted to be. I beat myself up for failing my children and made myself  feel so guilty. I wasn’t fitting into motherhood anymore and I wasn’t sure how to do it again. Things eventually came to a head and I couldn’t look after either of my children in the way they needed.

I had to take a step back and start focusing on myself. I read self-help books, took medication and I got help. Eventually I started to rebuild myself again, but I still wasn’t fitting into motherhood like I did before. My perception had changed and I realised that the mother I was trying to be before wasn’t me.

One day things just clicked, I was a little older, a smidge wiser and a tad more confident. I realised that I didn’t need to fit into motherhood and it needed to fit into me. Why should I pretend to be someone I wasn’t, just to please others and why did I feel I had to do things in a certain way so others didn’t judge.

Things have changed and I’m now a happy mother, which I can now positively say that I’m telling the truth. Mummy now takes more time for herself and she doesn’t try to impress others or care for their opinions. My children are none the wiser and are just happy to see that I am happy. It took some time, but I learnt to own motherhood and make it my own. Don’t ever be anyone, but yourself.

 

 

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supporting women and mothers

Supporting women and mothers

All I see everywhere I look is women being judged and it’s time we start supporting each other. I know this subject has been touched on many a time, but unless we keep talking about it things will never changed. I do think things have improved and I know myself, especially after postnatal depression I try to be much kinder to myself and not judge others. You never know what someone else is going through at home or why they have decided to make a certain choice.

As a woman you feel you are being judged no matter what you do. If you decide to not have children apparently you will regret it or you’re selfish, I personally couldn’t imagine not having children, but people are wired differently and neither is wrong. If you run a succesful business, often you at looked down upon by other women and men like its something you shouldn’t be doing, when you deserve support and ‘well done’. If you are too outspoken you are still often hushed and looked at as if your opinion doesn’t count. Many times a man has tried to silence me and has tried to make me feel I shouldn’t have an opinion on something. One thing you will never silence me on is my OWN opinion.

Since being a teenager myself I have noticed how a woman who has had a few sexual partners is seen as a ‘slag’, whilst a man is known as a ‘stud’. I’ve seen many a woman shamed not only by men, but also women. How can having sex with someone if you are a man or a woman be seen as such different things depending on your gender. If it’s from two consenting adults and its safe, why does it matter? Why shame someone for having fun, you should be supporting them and letting them embrace it.

Mr T (milk monster) is very supportive of women and boobs

Still we are shamed by our sizes, if we are too fat or too small, if our breasts are too small or too saggy. You only have to look through any comments on a celebrity newspaper article and see how women are shamed in such a derogatory way by their physical appearance and often it’s by other women. I for one have been called fat a few times over the years in arguments with men and it has upset me, this was before children when I was a size 12. I’m bigger than a 12 now and not skinny, which I doubt I ever will be, because of my love of cheese. I am not 100% happy with my figure and am trying to get healthier and lose weight but that still gives no one the right to make me feel ashamed in any way.

If you do decide to enter the world of motherhood you soon realise how ugly things can get. You are made to feel ashamed if you didn’t or failed to breastfed or you breastfeed an 18 month old still. You are judged for putting a baby in its own room from the start or for bed sharing. You decide to give up work, to be a stay at home mum, which means your lazy (hats of to SAHM’s I couldn’t do it), or you decide to go back full time, which makes you a selfish mother. I have felt judged so many times , but I also know I have judged too, especially when I was a first time mother and thought I knew everything, but now I try to be as supporting as I can as I know these decisions have not been easily made.

I am determined as I’m sure many other mum’s are to raise my children to know that it is never kind to judge someone else. My children are being taught to be kind, not judge, support and respect others. Everything we have been taught and all behaviour we have learned and can be unlearned. We can be more conscious of our thoughts and challenge them.

Postnatal depression has taught me to a better person and to own my own decisions I make. I sit my children in front of the TV or tablet far too often, my house is mostly messy, my children are fed chicken nuggets at least twice a week, but I am working hard to be their mum. I love them, read to them, spend as much time as I can with them, I feed them, clothe them and I work for them because I have to. I do my best and I am trying to be a good role model for them. I’m not a fantastic mother and I never will be, but one thing I have learnt is to be a realistic mother. Lets keep supporting each other., this being a woman thing is tough.

 

 

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Lazy parenting

Let me lazy parent today

After new years eve last night and having a slightly fuzzy head from drinking a bottle of prosecco, I’m in much need for a lazy day. Mr T went to bed at 8 (very late for him) and Miss J passed out on my lap at 11pm, after desperately trying her best to stay up and see the new year in. Obviously because I let them stay up they got up earlier than they would any other day (sods law or kids law) and tumbled into bed with me, demanding that they are fed right away. Mummy consumed a whole bottle of prosecco and stayed up until 1am so I’m feeling pretty poo right now and in no mood to parent today. The children are passed off with biscuits for breakfast and Disney Junior is quickly turned on whilst I make a hot tea. I also have biscuits for breakfast and I snuggle down in my dressing gown to catch up on the outside world through Facebook.

After not getting my few hours child free to myself like I do every other night and watching my own programs I am feeling pretty frazzled. Obviously the weather is crap and the kids are pissing each other off. The cat got poo stuck to its bum and dragged its bum over the kitchen (that was steamed the day before), Mr T has thrown a wooden brick at Miss J’s head and the kids are turning the light on and off as we speak. Why won’t they just let mummy have a nice relaxing morning to myself and let her drink her cup of tea hot. Mr T has now done a poo and is ripping out Miss J’s hair.

These children have been fed, watered, cleaned and have half of Toys ‘R’ Us in their living room (I would say mine, but it’s basically theirs these days). Why can’t they just let mummy be lazy, just for today. I’m sure it’s more stressful attempting to have a lazy day than it is taking them out for the day.

Its amazing the mess they create.

Miss J is now 4 1/2 and Mr T is 19 months and has just learnt the art of hitting his sister, pulling her hair and throwing random objects at her head. I think he’s showing sign of being a fantastic rugby player in years to come, which I know his football mad daddy won’t be too pleased about. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with fighting siblings and I can only assume this is just the start and I have many years ahead. I am unsure on whether to discipline or just leave them too it. Miss J is a bit of a wimp and probably deserves a few of those whacks her brother gives her. Giving Miss J a gift of a brother is probably the best thing she could have given her, otherwise I’m sure she would have been even more of a diva by now.

Society tells us we should feel guilty when we stick the children in front of the TV (electric babysitter), give them biscuits to keep them quiet and we are not spending every waking moment interacting and nurturing them. Well I have no guilt, my children are happy between fighting, fed and I am not doing any lasting damage by ignoring them when I have spent every day solid for over a week in their company. Sometimes you need to do what you’ve got to do to get through the day.

I think it’s time to admit defeat and actually parent today. It’s going to be difficult and will probably involve tears from all three of us. I don’t think we can get lazy days as parents, but at least I got a blog post out of it. Roll on the usual bedtime this evenings so I can catch up on Greys Anatomy and not have to share the chocolate with them.

 

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