The unlikely benefits of depression

The unlikely benefits of depression

I love to look for the silver lining and I have come up with the unlikely benefits of depression that I have found to be true for me. This does not take away from the fact that it is horrendous, but now I am for the most part out the other side, I like to look at some small positives I have found through my depression journey.

  • I now have a new kind of appreciation for the good days, I never know when it could all be sucked away again, so I do appreciate when things are going well and I am feeling mentally strong.
  • I am much more in touch with my emotions than I ever was before. I now know all emotions are needed and valid and that I should never be ashamed or try to hide them.
  • I’ve talked about this before and I think it is one of the most important things I have learnt, which is empathy. Depression has changed my outlook in life and taught me not to judge as we never know someone’s personal battle. I have great empathy and now regard it as one of my best attributes.
  • I have taken time to find what gives me joy in life. I have had to work out what makes me happy in life and have found some hidden talents that I might not have ever discovered otherwise.
  • I have bonded with friends and made new friends on a different level. To talk about depression is something very personal and by talking about it I have found some amazing people.
  • I have learnt not to hide emotions anymore. I was very good at hiding who I was out of fear of making someone else uncomfortable. I have found new ways to express my emotions in a healthy way which has made me better at communicating.
  • I am always looking at new ways to make myself happy. I know how easy it is to get sucked back into depression so I am always aware of trying to keep myself busy and happy.
  • If and when depression creeps back into my life, I now know I have survived depression which inspires me to fight it again.
  • I can help someone else by showing them that they are not alone in this battle and that you can survive it and also flourish.
  • I have now proven to myself that I am a fighter and that I am incredibly strong. To fight a battle with your own mind is one the toughest and I am pretty proud of what I have achieved.
  • I no longer take sleep, health, exercise and diet for granted. I now know that  it is important to focus on these and that they make a huge difference in your mental wellbeing.

What has depression taught you?

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page

Be fearless in the pursuit of happiness

Being fearless in the pursuit of happiness should be something we all should be able to do, but like with many things saying it is much easier than doing it. For so long I have worried about other people’s opinions, have tried to live up to other people’s standards and punished myself if I haven’t lived up to these. This has done nothing for my happiness and has forever held me back in finding happiness.

As a child I was brought up as a Christian and honestly believed I needed to punish myself every time I made a mistake or I would go to hell. I now have learnt to respect all religions, whilst being able to formulate my own ideas about them and not take it all too literally. I do believe in something, but to be honest I really don’t know what exactly. I don’t know why we feel that we should punish ourselves for not living up to standards which are often unattainable, we are only human after all and why should be always be fearful. The perception of the world around you is left up to your own interpretation.

As I have got older I noticed happy people don’t seem to put as much focus on what others think, they tend to do just ‘do’. Life isn’t about material possessions to make you happy and won’t lead happiness and I’m a great believer it’s about the experiences of life instead. I’m always trying now to just enjoy the moment and not try to worry about pointless material goods which actually don’t feel any gaps in your life long-term. I won’t look back in ten years and have fond memories of a silly priced handbag I bought, but instead will think back to a holiday with my children or a trip away with friends.

Everything is the world is temporary, the good and the bad and to find happiness we need to take the good with the bad and remember we can’t fully appreciate happiness unless we have also felt sadness. It’s fine to go through a  tough time, it teaches you important life lessons we need to learn, from every difficult time we have gone through in our lives it has shaped, moulded us and taught us something new.

To find happiness you need to do what you love, and if you don’t I think it’s important to make small changes where you can. We need to invest in ourselves and make sure we are doing something for our souls that we gain something from. If you hate your job then please find something else to do, but if that isn’t a possibility make sure you have time to still do stuff you love. Find a creative outlet, study something you love or go places that will make you smile. Everyone can be creative with something, it’s not just about making or creating, but about writing, building, dancing, music, photography, baking, colouring etc. Everyone can find a creative outlet.

To be truly happy I believe you need to be present and it’s something I have written about many times before and it’s something I am forever trying to remind myself. To be depressed you are living in the past and not letting your life flourish and grow. The little moments of happiness in life are the memories that you want to look back on, nothing else. It’s not easy to find a good balance of how to reflect on your past and look to your future, but I think it’s valuable and productive.

I believe it’s more work to be unhappy than to be happy. If you are sad, looking back on all that is wrong in your past you are just using lots of energy in a negative way. Being happy takes time and involves lots of dedication in yourself, but you can change your life if you are willing to. Don’t com-pare your lives against others and their progress, set small goals, look at the overall picture and be patient. Be fearless in the pursuit of happiness, you have nothing to lose.

photography credit to Ricky Lee Photography 

 

Be fearless in the pursuit of happiness

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page
The worry that my own mental health problems have damaged my daughter

The worry that my own mental health problems have damaged my daughter

I have struggled with mental health problems for years without even being aware of them. Well to be honest I did know something wasn’t right with me, but I just believed I was a bad person and my anger and depression was my own fault. Depression and anxiety have dominated me and effected me all of my adult life and after having my second child two years ago and my postnatal depression came to a head and I realised I needed to fix me. I was scared that in this process I could further hurt myself and I was right. To finally move on from my old life I needed to deal with my past to some extent and it was painful. I sunk lower than I ever went before and worried that by dealing with certain things that had happened that I would never feel happiness again.

Having to deal with my own mental health problems with a baby and small child at home was tough and not ideal and it was impossible for me to shield them completely with what I was going through. My daughter Jasmine saw me cry too much, not able to look after myself and many specialists coming into our house trying to help her broken mother. This is not what I wanted, but I either tried to heal at home or leave my family all together and go into hospital. Jasmine grew up quick and learnt what to say to help me, to encourage me and she was my strength when I had none left.

Things have been steadily improving over the last few months and I am in a much better place mentally. I am working on being the right role model to my daughter and I am a much better parent than I was six months ago. I am certain my mental health problems have affected my daughter and that’s something I do feel guilt over. I didn’t want my daughter to see me like the way she did, I tried to hide it as much as I could, but I know my child and she is bright and was picking up on the problems going on and it was affecting her too. Jasmine came home last February with her dad, for them to find that I had taken an overdose. Jasmine doesn’t remember what happened as she was sent upstairs and missed the police and crisis team taking me to hospital, but I’m certain she knew something was wrong

Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for and at times I feel like she is punishing me or that our bond has been damaged for what I had to put her through. Her concentration at school has suffered, her behaviour and even her sleep have been affected. My little girl gets frustrated and angry at times and I understand her frustration and it’s something we are always working on. I don’t want my girl to grow up angry with the world and I want her to continue to flourish and not become who I was as a teenager.

All I can do now is keep encouraging her, showing her my strength and dedicating my time on my own daughters mental health. We are working on yoga and mindfulness to help our bond and our mental wellbeing and I am seeing an improvement. I just hope she knows how hard I am trying for her and that everything I do is for her. I don’t want her to grow up with the same problems that I had and I hope she doesn’t grow up resenting me for what I put her through.

My bond with Jasmine was affected through my battle with mental health, but we now have a more intense kind of bond. My daughter has shown me such compassion through my struggles, I have seen so much of my self in her, that it has helped me understand myself and her better. She really was a blessing for me, my savour and my strength.

Jasmine I am sorry for expecting too much from you at such a young age, I am sorry for not being strong enough at times to be a mother to you and I am sorry for resenting you when I was struggling through my PND. I love you more than you will ever know and will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will always be there for you, no matter what. I love you.

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page
My daughter has confidence, but I am a hypocrite

My daughter has confidence, but I am a hypocrite

My daughter Jasmine is now five and has blossomed from a pre-schooler to a very confident, extremely sassy five year old and I’m a little jealous of how she carries herself, I want to be a bit more like her, but I feel like a hypocrite.

Jasmine as a baby and toddler was super clingy and would scream when I left her to go to work and would hate it if daddy had to put her to bed instead of mummy. She was my shadow and I got used to having my velcro child by my side. When her brother came along when she was three she took it hard and struggled to accept that I wasn’t just hers anymore and we worked hard to build her confidence around other people. When she started pre-school three months later she went off with very little trouble and she started to flourish.

Jasmine is now at the end of reception and is more than happy to run off every morning without a look back at me. She talks to her friends, is always first to say if she thinks some injustice is going on whilst playing and will go off to her teachers happily to show them what she has mastered that day. At a party she is the first on the dance flower, will happily hold someone else’s hand who needs encouragement and will stand up for her friend and herself. I have some how made a confident, self-assured and a strong little girl, whilst my confidence and self-esteem is still a constant fight. Why am I such a hypocrite.

My daughter doesn’t tell people things they want to hear, she is confident in her own skin and looks and everyday is a new fun day to explore, learn and be happy. I have decided it’s about time that I start to take a page out of my daughters book and start getting a little Jazzy with my life. I have put so much effort into my daughter, assuring her, telling her about her wonderful attributes and telling her to be happy with who she is, but I have been a hypocrite the whole time.

I have been such a hypocrite as I do not do the same to myself. I get undressed and pick apart everything that is wrong with my body, my hair, my face, my intelligence and my mind. I may be able to hide this from her when she’s young, but eventually she will see through it. She will notice the little comments about my weight, the little put me downs I say to myself and the negative comments. To be a role model I need to work on myself and stop putting myself down. I owe her this as much as I owe myself.

Why do we struggle so much to accept ourselves for who we are, but we can happily accept our partners flaws and all? I wouldn’t put my husband down for his looks or his intelligence or a friend, but yet I do it to myself constantly. I always see the best in people, but I struggle to see it in myself, so I am going to write down a list of what I love about myself.

What I love about me.

  • My quick wit. I am pretty funny and if you do get to know we you will realise I am also quick-witted and great for some banter.
  • My empathy. I have BPD so I am an emotional person and it has taught me how to have great empathy with others.
  • I have great lips. People pay for lip fillers, but I don’t need them as I’ve been blessed with beautiful lips.
  • I am tall. I’m 5ft 10″ and I love being tall, I can hide a multitude of signs having the extra height and love nothing more than wearing some heels on a night out and being one of the tallest.
  • I am caring. I care so much and sometimes too much about my children, friends, family, pets and mental health. If I care about something that I am incredibly passionate about it.
  • I found my talent in writing. I might not be perfect, but I love it and I feel good for finding something that brings me so much joy.
  • I’ve got good boobs. They’re not huge, they fit my frame, but they have done me proud and nursed two children for a total of three years.
  • I am healthy. I might not be fighting fit and I know there is much room for improvement, but my health is in good order and that is something that should never be taken for granted.
  • I am a good mum. I’m not perfect I have had to fight to still be here with my battle with PND, but I know now I am a good mum and I am proud of how far I’ve come.

My challenge is to start to love myself more, keep up with positive affirmations, working on myself and learning to love my body so I can say I am confident and I am not a hypocrite. #BeMoreJazzy

 

#BeMoreJazzy

 

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page
Postnatal depression after returning back to work

Postnatal depression after returning back to work

Returning back to work after maternity leave is often bittersweet and a hard pill to swallow, but if you are still suffering with postnatal depression it can fill you with complete dread. For me returning back to work, whilst I was still in the middle of a big battle was challenging and just added to my anxiety. How could I cope being a working mum when I struggled being a mum anyway?

  • I think one of the key things is to be honest with your employer. Speak with someone you trust and be honest of your fears of returning back to work. I was shocked at how supportive and understanding my work was especially my male boss. There is a good chance they have seen it first hand through a wife or sister .
  • Be realistic in your goals and don’t set yourself up to fail. If it’s an option look at doing a phased return or reduced hours. The best thing I could have done was to cut my hours. I now start work at 9:30am instead of 8am which means mornings are not so hectic.
  • Ask for extra help whilst you adapt to a new routine. Don’t be scared to ask for help and if you can get someone to help out with older children’s school runs, or a nursery pick up, then take it.
  • You will be late for work one day, forget to pack the children’s lunch box and be late to pick up from nursery. Don’t let little problems collect and seem bigger than they are. You are only human and you are only one person.
  • Usually the thought of returning back to work is far worse than actually going back to work. In my experience it was a little break, I got to drink hot tea and I was someone else besides mum. The first day is always the hardest.
  • If you really think you are not mentally well enough to go back to work then see your doctor and express your fears. There is nothing to be ashamed of and help is there.
  • Get organised. I am not naturally organised, but I find if I have everything ready the night before the whole start to the day is far less stressful. Have packed lunches made (including yours), clothes already laid out ready and bags packed. Starting the day in a good mindset is the way to go.
  • Have your therapy in place. Have either CBT, counselling etc in place for when you go back so you still have an outlet to talk through your fear and worries.
  • Make your sleep a priority. Make sure you switch off phones etc (blue light) an hour before bed and put things in place to relax you. I have reading relaxes me, a bath or otherwise using a mediation app like head space.
  • If you are on medication make sure you mindful of when you need to get a new prescription. Juggling work, a baby and needing to get to the doctors can be stressful last minuet. If you do run out, take your box to a pharmacy and they should be able to write you an emergency prescription for a week.

for the legal side of returning to work and taking additional sick leave it’s worth reading this. My personal experience through my own work has been fantastic, but unfortunately not employees are so progressive. Make sure to get legal advice if needed and make sure you are being treated fairly.

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page
Playhouse Milton Ernest

Playhouse party review and giveaway

My oldest baby has now turned five and to celebrate we decided it was time for Jasmine to have her big girl party at Playhouse Softplay in Milton Ernest, Bedford.

We’ve been taking Jasmine to playhouse since it first opened when she was around 18 months and have been coming back ever since. We’ve always been impressed with how clean the place is kept, the size, the equipment and the food. Jasmine had been to a couple of parties herself here and was desperate for one of her own now she was a big girl and had her school friends to invite.

The whole booking process was straight forward and we were given a great selection of food to choose from, all we needed to do was bring the cake and party bags (they can supply party bags at an extra cost). We were greeted by friendly staff and shown to our reserved table where juice and water was provided. The children were left to their own devices to play, whilst us parents got to sit back and enjoy a hot cup of tea.

Main play area

The slides are always a firm favourite with Jazzy

Playhouse has a baby area, a toddler area and a big play area for older children up to 10. There is plenty to do and lots of seating so you can easily keep an eye on the children. They have a decent food and drinks menu, with children’s meals, baby food and cakes. In my experience the food has always come in good time, even when busy and has always been very tasty. The toilets are kept clean and they have a decent changing facility for babies.

Toddler area

We opted for the princess party so the children could have their faces painted. The staff took the children two at a time and the children loved picking out a design. After the children were all face painted it was time for lunch and the children were extremely eager to get stuck in after running around like crazy. We were shown to a beautifully decorated party room and once the children settled lunch was served.  We decided to go for pizza, chicken nuggets, sandwiches, fruit and vegetable sticks. I sneaked a slice of the pizza that Jasmine didn’t finish and I can tell you it was very tasty.

Jazzy opted to be a tiger

The children loved it, we had full smiles all around and we will defiantly come back soon. Thank you Playhouse and your wonderful team for making Jasmines party extra special. Check out the Playhouse website here.

 

Party food!

Playhouse have been lovely enough to supply me with a three-month membership for two children and also a free admission ticket for two children that I will be giving away. Please enter below and share with your friends. Good luck!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Jasmine with her best buddy

*I was gifted services for this blog post for a review. All opinions are my own.

*To enter the competition you must be a UK resident and be able to visit the site, it is none refundable or exchangeable. It must be used within six months of issue. For playhouse rules please visit https://twinwoodsadventure.com/playhouse

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page

My anxiety journey and how I am learning to cope

Anxiety isn’t always a bad thing and is actually rather useful at not just keeping us safe, but also helping us reach our full potential. It’s healthy to have a certain level of anxiety for real stressful situations, it spurs us on when we need it. The problem with anxiety is when it comes from imaginary danger. We become hyper alert and play out thoughts in our heads and often it leads us to avoid certain situations.

Anxiety manifests in many different ways, shortness of breath, dry mouth, increased heartbeat, digestive problems, dizziness and weak bladder. For everyone it is different, for some people it is deliberating and stops them from enjoying life, from going out and it is damaging to your mental wellbeing.

I have suffered with anxiety since I can remember, but I had no idea what it was until I was in my early twenties. I remember always shying away from crowds of people and even having panic attacks on nights out. To even go out for the night I would have to drink before hand. Having my daughter who is now five really highlighted how bad my anxiety had got, but I continued to fight it and forced myself out my comfort zone, but I still had some much avoidance behaviour.

When I got pregnant with my second child and I was diagnosed with SPD (Symphysis pubis dysfunction), my life changed as I just couldn’t get out. I was avoiding more and more things and was isolated and alone. I kept telling myself as soon as my baby was born it would be ok and I would be able to get out, but this wasn’t the case. I became a recluse and only felt able to leave the house if I had someone else with me who would take charge. I would feel sick, dizzy and I would panic. This would then lead to frustration, anger and then tears. It was apparent after six months after my son was born that I also had PND (postnatal depression) and combined together it was a very sad existence.

I remember not even being able to do the food shop because of my anxiety and getting in the car to go out and having to turn the car back to go home. It wasn’t just my life it was effecting it was also impacting my children’s life and stopping them from having a normal childhood. I decided to seek help and a couple of months later I started CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy). CBT doesn’t work for everyone, but for me it has given me tools on how to deal with my anxiety, so I decided to start a diploma in CBT and I am now almost half way through the course.  

CBT helps you become aware of your thoughts and feelings, so you learn to challenge them. I can now usually notice the negative thought and question it before it and stop it. Once you learn the skills of CBT it can be used in so many areas in your life. CBT teaches you to be your own therapist and as long as you go back and remind yourself how to use it once in a while it will make your life far more positive.

I have tried medication for my anxiety called lorazepam which is a benzodiazepine. It helps with anxiety and sedates you, but these tablets are highly addictive and can be fatal if overdosed as they suppress breathing. I have overdosed on them twice, with other prescription drugs and have had a lucky escape. You quickly build up a tolerance to these drugs and need to take more for the same effect. They shouldn’t be taken long term and you should be monitored. They can cause rebound insomnia and rebound anxiety so these drugs are more for a quick fix and not for long term use. They are known to increase risk of suicide.

My anxiety today is manageable with CBT skills that I have learned and I am now able to enjoy life so much more. If anxiety is a problem for you please see a doctor and explain your worries so you can be referred for CBT.

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page
Summer is here and it's time to shine

Summer is here and it’s time to shine

This week has been hot and it has got me in the mood to update my summer wardrobe. For me I love handbags, but unfortunately over the last five years my life has been taken over by babies and the need for changing bags. I am currently using three changing bags that I change between , but now I’m back at work and able to leave the children as my nursing duties are over it’s all about me again and my love of handbags. I love a handbag I can either sling over my shoulder easily or I can cross over my body and I decided for summer I wanted to find the perfect tote to compliment a summer dress and some sandals. I resent paying full price and find the whole shopping process far more rewarding if I can get myself a bargain.

I recently stumbled upon a website dedicated to sale shopping and I am hooked. Love the sales aggregate sales from the top 700 retailers and display them all on one website. It focuses predominantly on fashion, but also covers beauty,home, garden, electronics, sports etc. I decided to get searching and entered my budget and style to refine my search and quickly found a bag that I love that was also £29 off.  I went for the Kurt Geiger Cravela Krypton shopping bag and I can say I’m really impressed. Shopping in sales online can be a tad overwhelming and I found love the sales a far more relaxing experience and obviously a wider selection. It’s my new go to website for online shopping. Click here to check out Love The Sales website. Click here to see a selection of gorgeous handbags.

Carvela Krypton Shopper Bag
Carvela Krypton Shopper Bag

One thing that has really been getting me down recently is my skin. I stopped using my BareMinerals powder after I run out and instead used my going out Estee Lauder Double wear. The results have left me with horrible skin. I have suffered with acne since a teen and haven’t found anything that completely clears it. I decided to ask some other bloggers if they had any experience and I was quickly directed to the brand La Roche-Posay that do skincare for many different skin complaints. I decided to head to my local Boots and have a browse and quickly drawn to the Effalar ‘3-step’- anti-blemish system and to my delight it was also reduced from £32.50 to £24.37. I decided to snap it up and give it a try. The set includes a gel cleanser, a toner to reduce the size of pores and a repair and hydrate. So far after a few days it does seem to have stopped my skin from being so oily and it’s dramatically changed the size of my pores. Spot wise I still have them but they do seem to be drying out and I haven’t had any new ones. I’m impressed so far and hope it continues to work. I have also made sure to get the new BareMinerals Bare-pro foundation and so far I am really impressed with it. I have been using BareMinerals for a good four years now and honestly love the stuff. It’s light weight, you can build coverage and it lasts all day.

I love my Pandora bracelet, but I don’t often wear it in the day so I decided to go for one of the brown weather straps to make it more casual for day use and I love it. I love brown leather and I think it looks great for summer and it’s a great way of showing off my many various charms which I can interchange daily for different looks. unfortunately this was not in the sale at £45, but I love that I will now get so much more use out of my charms which usually only come out for a special occasion.

What have been your favorite summer buys this season?

 

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page

The supermum does not exsist

Since I became a mum five years ago I have noticed the media has shoved this supermum ideal down our throats, making us feel we need to compete and I’m so sick of it. I’m certain this idea has been around longer than I have, but I believe media, social and mainstream have so much to answer for. This competiveness takes the actual goal of being a good mum and instead turns it into some race that will cause upset and guilt. We need to stop comparing ourselves and instead enjoy our own journeys as mums and treasure the time with our children before they grow far too quickly.

Here our some common misconceptions the media want us to believe.

  1. To be supermum you need to ‘snap back’ into your pre baby body so you can ‘flaunt’ your ‘enviable figure’ on the school run. If you are lucky enough to get back into your pre baby clothes 6 weeks after baby or like me two years later you still haven’t, it really doesn’t matter and your child is not judging you by your mum tum, personally I find my mum tum handy for balancing Mr T.
  2. To be Supermum you need to have a job and be mum and do them both with 100% enthusiasm and never compromise. If you are working full time with a baby in nursery or you stay at home, you are working and it’s hard. Do what works for your family and don’t feel guilty if you can’t do it all, it’s hard.
  3. To be supermum you need to breastfeed your baby and have photographic evidence on Facebook showing everyone that you decided to give your baby the best. You also need to bottle feed when out so you don’t offend anyone with a slight nip slip.  Which ever way you feed your baby there seems to be some judgement, stick with what works for you and enjoy your own feeding journey.
  4. To be supermum you need a home like a show home, no toys in sights and everything in it’s perfect place. You also need to buy every new toy in sight and have photographic proof at Christmas and birthdays on social media. If you can afford it, buy it, but try and remember that time spent with children is more valuable.
  5. To be supermum you still need to look good, all the time, hair done, no roots, nails and make up should still be high on your to do list. Personally I do enjoy getting dressed up when I can and I make sure I take a picture for proof that I do actually look nice some time. If you just want to rock a messy bun for the next few years and make up is more like hassle then so be it.
  6. To be supermum you need be the crafting queen, sow, knit, baker, masterchef champion and sporting Olympian. Very few people can do them all, find something you enjoy and stick with it, don’t let Pinterest take over your life.
  7. To be a supermum you need to stop your child from having a dummy or a bottle past 18 months otherwise you are in the lazy parent category. It seems everyone has a opinion on this, but be realistic and do what works for you.

Social media is a polished version, no one is going to upload a picture with a pile of washing in the background, it’s edited to make it look better than it is. Media outlets will always pit women against each other as it get’s the clicks/sales and starts heated debates. We all supermum in our own ways and all have our own battles.

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page
The real struggle of living with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

The real struggle of living with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

This isn’t a post for attention or even pity, it is a post for understanding, making sense of my own thoughts and also helping others understand about different mental disorders, the one that less than 2% of people suffer with. I’m having a bad few days, and when that happens I try to force myself to write as it is more important than ever for me to make sense of my emotions. Having BPD (borderline personality disorder) can be very intense at times and often if I am struggling with BPD my anxiety and depression will be heightened too. I don’t get in this frame of mind often, but when I do it can be pretty dark and very scary. It will sneak up on me when I least expect it.

I have been feeling a bit out of touch with reality and have disassociated myself, which for me is normal when I’m in this state of mind. It’s not that I want to be left alone it’s just I feel unable to interact with the outside world. In truth this is when I do need people around to connect me, encourage me, but I struggle to let people in. My life can begin to spiral out of control and I have no power over it. It’s like I’m just there for the ride. I get frustrated with myself and hate having these thoughts and feelings, but feel so powerless to do anything about it.

You are 70% more likely to be diagnosed with BPD if you are female. 7 out of 10 people with BPD will attempt suicide and this figure does not surprise me. Even more frighteningly is that around 1 in 10 will succeed. 75% of BPD sufferers will engage in self harm. It’s a scary and confusing place to be in when you feel all alone.  Something else that often goes along with this is self harm, it isn’t just something a teenager does, it’s something many people do, especially BPD sufferers do as a coping strategy.

When my BPD is bad I struggle to trust many people, I have paranoid thoughts and I feel like I am being a burden to them. It’s a mentally and physically draining and I still always worry that one day BPD will win. I don’t want it to win, as I love my life and just want happiness I just want rid of this black and white thinking and these intrusive thoughts that try to ruin my life. I am trying to control it with the use of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) a form of the better known cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), but it’s a skill and I am having to relearn my thinking patterns., which will take time.

The thing is BPD isn’t always this way and I have episodes of being happy, organised, motivated, but then with little notice it can come spiralling out of control again back to the dark place where I feel vulnerable and alone. When I am in one of these episodes I withdraw from contact, this includes my own children, I feel flawed, I will even engage in risky behaviour and try to escape reality. I can see myself sabotaging and falling apart, but once in motion I cannot stop it. I am trapped in my own dark mind and don’t know how to make it right again, it’s my own version of purgatory where I am unreachable

One of my biggest fears is abandonment when I push the people l closest to me away. I have been incredibly lucky to have support people around me, but I do worry that eventually they will just have enough of me and leave. My biggest fear after that is that I will eventually commit suicide I know this is morbid and something many people cannot understand, but I do worry that one day when I am not in control that my demons will win. The truth is I want to live so much it’s just my brain that’s stopping me.

Each new day is new start where I can make a difference and shape my future for the better. I am doing everything I can to hopefully recover, which is a possibility with a BPD diagnoses. I have just got to try to stay positive and keep with the DBT classes.

 

Facebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinrssinstagram
It's only fair to share...Share on FacebookShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on StumbleUponPin on PinterestPrint this page